Fulfillment

Sunday Sunday Sunday! (Homestar Runner anyone?) As I tried to force myself to go back to sleep after my body woke me up at 6:30, I found myself randomly reflecting about fulfillment. I'd been in and out of sleep most of the night from weird dreams and nightmares, but since I can't remember any of them, I don't know if this reflection was spawned from them or not. My thoughts drifted to the night before when I had gone on a spontaneous road trip to Saint George with some friends of mine. Our phones were tucked away for the most part and the music was low enough to talk at a regular volume level. The conversations that took place on this road trip made me realize how much I had missed having really good conversations with people. The type that do more than scratch the surface and ask the regular polite questions that happen in everyday conversations. The type that are intellectual, spiritual, thought provoking, stirring, deep - fulfilling.

     I know that may sound strange, but lately there is rarely a singles event I go to that most people are toying with their phones on Facebook or texting or Pinteresting or what have you, more than mixing and mingling with others. And even if they rip themselves from virtual reality to re-engage in conversation, I've been feeling lately that the conversations lack substance and sustenance. I think this is in part because it takes their brain and eyes awhile to recover and transition from being numbed or enveloped in information on a screen to face to face conversation, and it shows when I engage in conversations day to day. There's got to be some sort of social research project out there to support this statistically...

      As far as my career goes, I am engaged in conversation with my students 8 hours a day. 1-2 hours are added when I collaborate with my colleagues about teaching methods, curriculum, and political backhands to our funding, etc etc. I have found the latter to be the more fulfilling part conversationally, and the first more fulfilling within my heart. Not that I expect talking with 13-18 year olds to be a real treat or anything, but it makes me appreciative of colleagues who are professionals in their field and can fulfill that intellectual need I have.

     But it isn't just through my colleagues that I want this need to be fulfilled. Through this road trip I was able to befriend a really funny kid with whom I was able to have an intellectual conversation with about such "nerdy" topics as Hilter and communism and their Arian supremacy to McCarthyism and blacklisting within the radio and classic film generations. Not that I haven't thought this before, but it was reaffirmed to me that an important quality and factor to a happy and fulfilling marriage to me will be marrying someone with whom I can have those type of intellectual conversations with. It's not just button down shirts and tie with rolled up sleeves that gets me goin' people.

       While I'm on that topic, if there is anyone I hope to get the most fulfillment from, in every area possible, it's my spouse. I know that you all are probably like "duh", and that some of your minds probably went to the gutter (tsk tsk), but I really do insist on marrying  a man who is my best friend. I want him to be a spiritual advisor for both me and my children and someone who I can have good deep spiritual discussions with - essentially bear my soul to. I want him to be educated enough that we can talk about topics A-Z on our walks together, road trips, camping, whatever and whenever. I want him to be competitive like me so we can kick each others trashes in things. I want to be able to talk to them about anything or everything with the knowledge that A.) they won't judge me. B.) they will really listen - even if men are very visual and we have to repeat things a hundred times to them before they get it or will do something about it...or so I'm told. =D C.) they won't be one sided conversations or just all about them. D.)learn something from it or them. e.) be a better person for doing so, and E.), perhaps most importantly, I'll feel an increase of love from them and for them afterwards.

...Am I being totally unrealstic here?

     Even more important that intellectual fulfillment for me is spiritual fulfillment. Something I've been struggling with lately and trying to better within myself is staying engaged and focused in Church. Now, sitting through three straight hours of Church is difficult for anyone no matter the age or consequence, but it seems that ever since technology from iPads to cell phones has been introduced, it's become 10x's more difficult, no matter which class OR ward I attend, who the teacher or presenter is (unless they are my absolute favorite apostles or the prophet speaking =D), or how much I participate in the lesson with questions and answers, to feel complete spiritual fulfillment. I don't even know if it's fair of me to have that expectation...it's not that I don't feel the Spirit strongly, or that I'm not learning, but sometimes the conversations in the classes are very...what's the word I want...shallow? I emphasize that it's what is said, NOT the people, I label this with. I don't know if we are all just answering questions out of feeling bad for the teacher when the room is quiet, are just trying to stay awake,  what we're going to have for lunch/dinner just won't leave our mind, or if we're all actually Facebooking or looking up scores on their ESPN app instead of using the Gospel Library/Scripure app to follow along while someone else reads out loud, but there have been many-a-time where I've thought that being covered in paper cuts and having lemon juice and salt poured over them would be better than sitting through three hours of it.

     Of course, as soon as I thought this, I felt guilty and immediately began repenting, but then I had another thought: (you see how my thoughts get me in trouble?) I wonder if they do it for the same reason I do: I'm not engaged, so I pull out my phone and engage myself. Sometimes I'll go on the Mormon Channel app or read the whole lesson if I was a slacker and didn't before class or pull up an Ensign article or do the very same two things that were aforementioned (and yes, I do repent for that too.)

    Now, all of that aside, it is such a comfort and joy to know that I DO find absolute fulfillment in one very special place: the temple. I can't describe to you how it feels to leave such a holy place "armed with power thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them" (Doctrine and Covenenats 109: 22). Being able to ponder and pray and learn is a joy that cannot be found anywhere else, and that will only be made better one day when I can attend with my husband and present and future family. ANNNNDDD, there are many parts of Church that I find completely satisfactory. Something I use to despise with every fiber of my being was when a teacher would put us in groups! Now I love it! I could be a little biased with this because I am a teacher and love differentiated groups, but I digress. I find that when the teacher breaks us up into small groups and gives us a task that's better than "read this and then discuss it together", the conversation is almost always enlightening, uplifting, thought-provoking, and most importantly - teaches me by the Spirit.  Despite this, I'm grateful for the Spirit that is present during those three hours no matter how engaging it is, and I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is perfect - it's the imperfect people like me that I pray the Lord will continue to help as I seek this fulfillment.

     Outside of Church, I've been blessed with having some really good spiritual conversations with friends, recent converts especially. I've been going to the gym with my "granddaughter" from my mission (on a mission, "experienced" missionaries who've been in the field for what can be very little time (2-3 months) to almost finished with their mission, will train new missionaries and are called "trainers". I trained the Sister who trained the girl I speak of. Small world right? As we were gasping for air on the elliptical, she related to me an abridged version of her conversion story, and then I was able to briefly tell her my parent's conversion stories as well. Not only did I leave the gym that day feeling fulfilled from the physical exertion and endorphins, but spiritually fed from our talk. Yesterday also provided a great spiritual conversation while we, two of my friends being recent converts, discussed our thoughts over people's reactions and our experience explaining to others the baptisms we do for others in the temple, and there was some relating of the two recent converts experience in learning about the gospel. I find that I'm not as fully satisfied or happy as a member of the Church without having recent converts as a part of my day to day life. What inspirational and strong people they are!

     My mind wandered back further to the night before last night when I was having a conversation with some of my girlfriends about, what else, boys :), and the pattern or marrying later in the Church. My two friends I had this talk with are a couple years younger than me, and most of my girlfriends are about their same age, unmarried as well. This talk of lack of marriage happened to tie in with our conversation as we drove through the Virgin River Gorge, though it focused on the exact opposite of our plight. The scenery brought up talk of polygamist colonies nearby, and jokes about how the one guy friend we had brought along certainly fit the bill being surrounded by us four women. We discussed the nature of polygamy and polyandry within and outside of the RLDS church. Of all the things that were spoken of during these two conversations, something one of my friends said struck me as deeply profound. She said something along the lines of: "I think Heavenly Father makes a way for all women to be happy and be taken care of until they get married or even if they never get married." What she said may seem like common sense to many, but I think what really struck me was the absolute truthfulness of what she said. I can testify to what she said on a personal level. I'm 29 and not married (*gasp of horror from the audience*), but the Lord has provided me with a professional career that provides all the necessary things I need, a wonderful family and group of friends, the gospel, etc etc etc. This made me ponder upon the other things in life that fulfill me, and led to a generating of this list in additional to fulfilling conversations:

***Disclaimer: These lists are incomplete, off the top of my head type thing and in no particular order!

*What I'm doing right now =D (Writing)

*Reading (the good stuff - no crappy Twi-high stuff)

*Socializin'

*Learning - self development n growth n all of that

*Being physically active, especially in outdoorsy stuff (bike ridin' yesterday a.m. was dabomb.com KLove!)

*Living the gospel

*Chocolate - yup, I have no shame.

*Competitions - 'specially pwning people in sports and games of all kinds

*Travel!

*Productivity on any level

It also made me think of what things aren't fulfilling:

*Crafts - Scrapbooking, making things with any type of material, etc etc. I stink at them, and they just frustrate me. Maybe it will just be zapped into me when I get married, but I'm pretty sure my husband is going to have be sugar-daddy enough to hire an interior decorator for me.

*Game nights - after 11 years of 'em, they become a bane more than a boon.

*Wasting time - I go insane with boredom and haaaattteeeee feeling sluggish

All of that being said, there are things that have yet to happen that I look forward to being fulfilled. I know being a wife and mother will be another challenging and joyful chapter to my story, that I will continue to blossom in my career, and meet many more wonderful people that bring me fulfillment. I know that I will probably not find full and complete fulfillment until well into the eternities. But I am thankful for those days that I do have that feeling, and to those who provide it for me. My hope for everyone is that there isn't a day that goes by where they don't feel some sort of fulfillment somehow - after all, "Happiness is the design of our existence." Amen, Brother Joseph, Amen.

Gym Time

   As I sat/stood on my spin bike today trying not to think about the burning in my legs, lungs, and buns and more so on trying to breathe, I found myself looking about at the other people in the class. It occured to me that most of them were in great shape. My instructor kept yelling "Faster!!" but I ignored her since my resistance was already turned all the way up to a 10, and looked out the windowed room to the other people lifting weights and such in the main gym. Why would people who were already in shape WILLINGLY submit themselves to this pain and affliction AND pay for it?? Why were they there? One look at me and it makes sense why I'm there, but them?  As we were instructed to sit and pedal fast at a six for fourty seconds, I began pondering on motivations. For me, the gym is a good motivator because as a fat kid because I see those kinds of skinny people as my motivation. I also don't want to waste my money, so I go pretty faithfully because I am that cheap. I want it to really equal out being a dollar a day for $30ish dollars a month. As we began doing jumps, it hit me that maybe these people weren't really in shape at all! That just because on the outside they appeared to be thin and in good shape, maybe their bodies were God given, and that they had to work just as hard as I did to be in good health and shape. I looked more closely at some of the people and saw quite a few looking in a worse condition then I was.  I realized that just as many people had looked, and probably still do, look at me and think "Fat kid, can't do squat" (no pun intended), I had been looking at them wrongly too. Yeah, I still hate them for their natural body luck nonetheless.
  Although I didn't want to think about what they thought about me, I started thinking about my life pre-gym. Before this faithful gym attendance, I'd always actively participated in sports, starting with ballet all the way to its opposite, rugby. I've always enjoyed hiking and biking and all that outdoorsy type of activity. I've always tended to surprise people with my athleticism. I remember in what I think was my freshmen year, or at some point in high school, we had some kind of contest involving a 4x4 around the track. I remember I was the last person to run the last 100 meters. I took that baton from my last teammate and proceeded to SMOKE the rest of the skinny fast kids. What I remember most was the shocked looks and dropped jaws as I crossed that finish line. I'm sure they were all thinking, how did she just move all of THAT body mass that fast? I also remember beating my teammates up and down the court so many times that it shocked even my coach. I still remember to this day her eyes getting really big as I sprinted with her down the court for a fast break lay up while everyone else walked and gulped for air. She smiled a HUGE smile and said, "Wow Emma, I'm so impressed!" Yeah, I'm Scottish and Filipino folks. Stamina + fast little people genes. Shouldn't shock anybody :)       
    Anyway, I digress. For fat kids like me, it made sense in my head to originally think them ridiculous and maybe shallow, motivated by people checking them out n such - you know those types. Turning the gym into a bloody meat market. As the spin lady announced we ONLY had four more songs left, I came to a new conclusion. When I've reached my "happy place" and permanently kicked my fat kid to the curb, you will find me nowhere NEAR a gym. I'm looking forward to staying in shape through my love of sports and outdoors and leaving the gym pressure behind. This sister will not be anywhere near a gym, nor paying monthly to be around a whole bunch of sweaty people. I wish them all the best of luck in their happy places too. And I hope that all of us never judge anyone's athetliticsm by their "book cover" of their bodies, too. Happy workin' it!

Nearly 30

Ok ok, so I really just turned 29, but when you turn the lense of life to the "bigger picture" or even the "eternal perspective" focus, it really comes down to the fact that I'm nearly 30. I figured since I've stopped keeping a journal altogether since the beginning of basketball season, updating life on here would have to do, and I haven't really been in the writing mood since basketball either, so I'm taking advantage of both. Warning: This will be extremely random and full of sarcasm. And long. Brace yourself, and realize writing is my outlet for venting. (Really, don't take any of this too seriously.)
2012: Aside from planning and fantasizing about my Dirty Thirty party in Sin City, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to be able to say I've accomplished by the time I'm 30. There is a consistent radiant joy within my heart as a result of living the gospel of Jesus Christ, but there are still many things in my life that I am waiting for to happen, progress and learning that I want to have as a constant in my life. The first thing that comes to mind is my desire to spend this summer writing and getting serious about having one of my many books I've been writing since I was 13 published. It's going to be an insane amount of work and I've been mentally preparing myself for the rejections I'll probably face, but my goal is to hit up Barnes and Noble n buy the publishers book to get started. I remember being at BYU and going to go see numerous authors speak and thinking to myself, "How amazing would it be if I didn't have to go to work everyday, but just travel the world and write and roll in the dough?" I'm not trying to be a J.K. Rowling or anything great, but the authors I met were big time enough to live very comfortably.
I love teaching, but I've realized that writing for a living is my real dream. Realizing this at Nearly 30 is better than never.

Travel: Aside from publishing, I am hoping to travel to either China or Scotland. My bff is teaching English over in China so now would be the prime time to go while I know someone, but my sisters want to go back to Scotland. I feel I could do more good in service and missionary work in China with serving others, but Scotland also provides an opportunity for genealogy and study and writing. Tough choice, but either way it's going to be killer expensive, so the penny scraping has begun. I'd like to go somewhere new, but my heart longs for the country of my ancestors, God's country. And it helps that there are toilets over there instead of holes in the ground like in China, too. Or maybe I'll just go a-wall and go to Australia n marry some random guy with an accent. That would be very Dirty Thirty-ish.

Singles Ward: Nearly 30 didn't fully hit me until I realized with the exception of one that every single one of my college roommates is married with a baby, and nearly all of my mission companions fit the bill too. Being in singles wards with your dating options being 19, 21-23 year olds, 25-28ish yr olds not wanting to commit/addicted to porn, and 30+ with kids has also been a unique situation to be in for me. If you aren't a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints like me, it's hard to understand why this is so strange and why it makes me accutely aware of my age, but regardless or religion, people are getting married later and later. For Mormons, we view this "phenomenon" as part of the devil's plan to destroy families and prevent children with the opportunity to come to this Earth, for "men are, that they might have joy" and partake in the plan of happiness. People always say to me, "Oh, it'll happen when you least expect it" or "when you're not looking for it." When you're a single Mormon girl of my age, that simply isn't an option. You're always hoping for it. And even when I have my "I LOATHE MEN ENTIRELY" rages, or haven't been looking for it, it's always hanging there like an ominous cloud - there's a part of your heart that will never be fulfilled any other way. In the meantime, I carry a resilient faith in the Lord's love and timing.

Changes: My career has thrown my for a loop this year - and made me hop through 1,000 other loops. I wanted a challenge when I left my old job for a new one at Chaparral HS in Las Vegas, but I don't think any of us could anticipate the tremendous weight that would be placed upon our shoulders and the seeming axe at our necks. The fact that my students are stupendous and that the people I work for and with are phenomenal has helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. The latest shock came when I found out I will be changing my entire schedule and classroom in a little less than 2 weeks right smack in the middle of the semester, enter into new training for completely different classes, and take my first graduate class. Just when I had my kids under my thumb and getting in the groove, too. I've always said I don't like menotomy, but this will be like nothing I've every faced before. I tell myself that the experience will help me grow in a way I wouldn't have had I stuck around St. George/Mesquite, and that it will look super impressive on a resume with only 4 years under my belt as a new/young teacher, then gulp and dive in head first. I don't think I know how to do it any other way.

Friends: I feel I am becoming anti-social in my old age. I've slowly been weeding out what I call "the one-siders". I don't know why, but people have always come to me - complete strangers even - for advice or to just talk to about life - I get it from my mother I think, the whole "great listener and counselor" label people have given me. I don't toot my own horn here and really emphasize that everything good about me I get from my angel mother - but I digress. Lately I'm discovering I have very little patience for these types of people. It's the farthest thing from what I want in my marriage, and for what meaningful family relationships I want to have with both my immediate and extended family, including my brothers and sisters in my Heavenly Father's family.
     It took me stepping back and reflecting on these relationships to realize I was being used! That many of my so called friendships involved me standing silently by and listening to the other person tell me all about them and their lives and venting while I listened and supported and gave advice - and nothing beyond that. I realized that these people hardly knew me at all, nor took the time to find out or ask anything about me beyond, "So how are you? How was your day? Do you like anyone?" and those types of trivial questions. Long before this, I had realized that I had always been the one to keep up the contact/communication, and was thrown for a loop when people would get upset at me for not having heard from me for awhile. They hadn't realized I'd been the one doing all the work and that they hadn't taken the first initiative until I cut it off completely. But the new discovery was in addition to all of that, I had let a lot of people walk all over me and treat me badly because I have the "too nice" gene from my mother, the only real "fault" (heavy emphasis on the "    ", I can attribute to her :)
   Since then, I will admit I've been guilty of cutting off contact altogether with most of these people instead of manning up and telling them it's not ok, and realized I had even start to avoid people in general because of this, and being so busy with work, so another Nearly 30 goal is to seek to strike a good balance and put the nice card at the bottom of the deck for awhile. I think I'll be living into the eternities before I find out this whole balance thing with EVERYTHING. But I've started off right in 2012 with treasuring and holding fast to those who have proven to be my true friends, and am delighted to have found many new true friends in my excursions in Vegas. Let's hope I can keep improving.

Self: So much of what my focus was on in 2011 was me, myself, and I. I've been struggling with guilt for that and getting caught up in my appearance for some time now. My family and friends will tell me that it was BECAUSE I didn't take care of myself in the first place that I even got the skin cancer and worsened by stomach condition, but it's been hard for me to once again, find that balance. I'm grateful I got sick because it forced me to look at my health and change my lifestyle, but now I find the true battle is looking in the mirror and being happy with me and being comfortable in my own skin. Looking at other women, I realize that it's probably not realistic to think I can be there by the time I'm 30, and then when I get married, have kids, get old and wrinkly and saggy, etc, but I do want to focus on thinking more positively and not border-line obsessing about everything I eat and how much I do/don't work out. I have to remind myself it's not going to matter what I looked like when my body goes to the grave and starts to decay, but what I've done to help others. I feel my job and Church calling helps strike that balance I seek, but for 2012, I want to SLOWLY keep losing weight without obsessing about it, with my primary focus on serving others and losing myself in doing so.
    I am also trying to focus on "self" parts of me I don't like. I've realized I don't let myself enjoy things as much as I should. I get too caught up in my adult responsibilities and following the law of everything to the letter. It's hard to be a good Mormon girl and find a way to let your hair down and have a good time without it involving the world's way of sex n alcohol or buckets of money. When people compliment me or tell me how in awe they are about my weight loss or different, I always shrug and toss it aside. I am really bad at giving myself credit or letting myself feel joy or pride because of my accomplishments. I know a lot of that is because of how I was raised, but I am determined to spend more time enjoying the good while it lasts, too. I am convinced it will make me a lot happier.

   Well, it's nearly midnight and a morning run is looming, scriptures need reading, and prayers need saying. With all of this aside, what makes me most happy is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I am nothing without it and my Savior. No matter how many goals I set or what I want to have happen in my life, seeking to serve the Lord and do His will it what gives me peace, purpose, and joy in this life, and there is NOTHING I would take in exchange for that (including a really hot man, lots of $$$, and a smokin' bod...really!)
-Em