Nearly 30

Ok ok, so I really just turned 29, but when you turn the lense of life to the "bigger picture" or even the "eternal perspective" focus, it really comes down to the fact that I'm nearly 30. I figured since I've stopped keeping a journal altogether since the beginning of basketball season, updating life on here would have to do, and I haven't really been in the writing mood since basketball either, so I'm taking advantage of both. Warning: This will be extremely random and full of sarcasm. And long. Brace yourself, and realize writing is my outlet for venting. (Really, don't take any of this too seriously.)
2012: Aside from planning and fantasizing about my Dirty Thirty party in Sin City, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to be able to say I've accomplished by the time I'm 30. There is a consistent radiant joy within my heart as a result of living the gospel of Jesus Christ, but there are still many things in my life that I am waiting for to happen, progress and learning that I want to have as a constant in my life. The first thing that comes to mind is my desire to spend this summer writing and getting serious about having one of my many books I've been writing since I was 13 published. It's going to be an insane amount of work and I've been mentally preparing myself for the rejections I'll probably face, but my goal is to hit up Barnes and Noble n buy the publishers book to get started. I remember being at BYU and going to go see numerous authors speak and thinking to myself, "How amazing would it be if I didn't have to go to work everyday, but just travel the world and write and roll in the dough?" I'm not trying to be a J.K. Rowling or anything great, but the authors I met were big time enough to live very comfortably.
I love teaching, but I've realized that writing for a living is my real dream. Realizing this at Nearly 30 is better than never.

Travel: Aside from publishing, I am hoping to travel to either China or Scotland. My bff is teaching English over in China so now would be the prime time to go while I know someone, but my sisters want to go back to Scotland. I feel I could do more good in service and missionary work in China with serving others, but Scotland also provides an opportunity for genealogy and study and writing. Tough choice, but either way it's going to be killer expensive, so the penny scraping has begun. I'd like to go somewhere new, but my heart longs for the country of my ancestors, God's country. And it helps that there are toilets over there instead of holes in the ground like in China, too. Or maybe I'll just go a-wall and go to Australia n marry some random guy with an accent. That would be very Dirty Thirty-ish.

Singles Ward: Nearly 30 didn't fully hit me until I realized with the exception of one that every single one of my college roommates is married with a baby, and nearly all of my mission companions fit the bill too. Being in singles wards with your dating options being 19, 21-23 year olds, 25-28ish yr olds not wanting to commit/addicted to porn, and 30+ with kids has also been a unique situation to be in for me. If you aren't a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints like me, it's hard to understand why this is so strange and why it makes me accutely aware of my age, but regardless or religion, people are getting married later and later. For Mormons, we view this "phenomenon" as part of the devil's plan to destroy families and prevent children with the opportunity to come to this Earth, for "men are, that they might have joy" and partake in the plan of happiness. People always say to me, "Oh, it'll happen when you least expect it" or "when you're not looking for it." When you're a single Mormon girl of my age, that simply isn't an option. You're always hoping for it. And even when I have my "I LOATHE MEN ENTIRELY" rages, or haven't been looking for it, it's always hanging there like an ominous cloud - there's a part of your heart that will never be fulfilled any other way. In the meantime, I carry a resilient faith in the Lord's love and timing.

Changes: My career has thrown my for a loop this year - and made me hop through 1,000 other loops. I wanted a challenge when I left my old job for a new one at Chaparral HS in Las Vegas, but I don't think any of us could anticipate the tremendous weight that would be placed upon our shoulders and the seeming axe at our necks. The fact that my students are stupendous and that the people I work for and with are phenomenal has helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. The latest shock came when I found out I will be changing my entire schedule and classroom in a little less than 2 weeks right smack in the middle of the semester, enter into new training for completely different classes, and take my first graduate class. Just when I had my kids under my thumb and getting in the groove, too. I've always said I don't like menotomy, but this will be like nothing I've every faced before. I tell myself that the experience will help me grow in a way I wouldn't have had I stuck around St. George/Mesquite, and that it will look super impressive on a resume with only 4 years under my belt as a new/young teacher, then gulp and dive in head first. I don't think I know how to do it any other way.

Friends: I feel I am becoming anti-social in my old age. I've slowly been weeding out what I call "the one-siders". I don't know why, but people have always come to me - complete strangers even - for advice or to just talk to about life - I get it from my mother I think, the whole "great listener and counselor" label people have given me. I don't toot my own horn here and really emphasize that everything good about me I get from my angel mother - but I digress. Lately I'm discovering I have very little patience for these types of people. It's the farthest thing from what I want in my marriage, and for what meaningful family relationships I want to have with both my immediate and extended family, including my brothers and sisters in my Heavenly Father's family.
     It took me stepping back and reflecting on these relationships to realize I was being used! That many of my so called friendships involved me standing silently by and listening to the other person tell me all about them and their lives and venting while I listened and supported and gave advice - and nothing beyond that. I realized that these people hardly knew me at all, nor took the time to find out or ask anything about me beyond, "So how are you? How was your day? Do you like anyone?" and those types of trivial questions. Long before this, I had realized that I had always been the one to keep up the contact/communication, and was thrown for a loop when people would get upset at me for not having heard from me for awhile. They hadn't realized I'd been the one doing all the work and that they hadn't taken the first initiative until I cut it off completely. But the new discovery was in addition to all of that, I had let a lot of people walk all over me and treat me badly because I have the "too nice" gene from my mother, the only real "fault" (heavy emphasis on the "    ", I can attribute to her :)
   Since then, I will admit I've been guilty of cutting off contact altogether with most of these people instead of manning up and telling them it's not ok, and realized I had even start to avoid people in general because of this, and being so busy with work, so another Nearly 30 goal is to seek to strike a good balance and put the nice card at the bottom of the deck for awhile. I think I'll be living into the eternities before I find out this whole balance thing with EVERYTHING. But I've started off right in 2012 with treasuring and holding fast to those who have proven to be my true friends, and am delighted to have found many new true friends in my excursions in Vegas. Let's hope I can keep improving.

Self: So much of what my focus was on in 2011 was me, myself, and I. I've been struggling with guilt for that and getting caught up in my appearance for some time now. My family and friends will tell me that it was BECAUSE I didn't take care of myself in the first place that I even got the skin cancer and worsened by stomach condition, but it's been hard for me to once again, find that balance. I'm grateful I got sick because it forced me to look at my health and change my lifestyle, but now I find the true battle is looking in the mirror and being happy with me and being comfortable in my own skin. Looking at other women, I realize that it's probably not realistic to think I can be there by the time I'm 30, and then when I get married, have kids, get old and wrinkly and saggy, etc, but I do want to focus on thinking more positively and not border-line obsessing about everything I eat and how much I do/don't work out. I have to remind myself it's not going to matter what I looked like when my body goes to the grave and starts to decay, but what I've done to help others. I feel my job and Church calling helps strike that balance I seek, but for 2012, I want to SLOWLY keep losing weight without obsessing about it, with my primary focus on serving others and losing myself in doing so.
    I am also trying to focus on "self" parts of me I don't like. I've realized I don't let myself enjoy things as much as I should. I get too caught up in my adult responsibilities and following the law of everything to the letter. It's hard to be a good Mormon girl and find a way to let your hair down and have a good time without it involving the world's way of sex n alcohol or buckets of money. When people compliment me or tell me how in awe they are about my weight loss or different, I always shrug and toss it aside. I am really bad at giving myself credit or letting myself feel joy or pride because of my accomplishments. I know a lot of that is because of how I was raised, but I am determined to spend more time enjoying the good while it lasts, too. I am convinced it will make me a lot happier.

   Well, it's nearly midnight and a morning run is looming, scriptures need reading, and prayers need saying. With all of this aside, what makes me most happy is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I am nothing without it and my Savior. No matter how many goals I set or what I want to have happen in my life, seeking to serve the Lord and do His will it what gives me peace, purpose, and joy in this life, and there is NOTHING I would take in exchange for that (including a really hot man, lots of $$$, and a smokin' bod...really!)
-Em