I know that may sound strange, but lately there is rarely a singles event I go to that most people are toying with their phones on Facebook or texting or Pinteresting or what have you, more than mixing and mingling with others. And even if they rip themselves from virtual reality to re-engage in conversation, I've been feeling lately that the conversations lack substance and sustenance. I think this is in part because it takes their brain and eyes awhile to recover and transition from being numbed or enveloped in information on a screen to face to face conversation, and it shows when I engage in conversations day to day. There's got to be some sort of social research project out there to support this statistically...
As far as my career goes, I am engaged in conversation with my students 8 hours a day. 1-2 hours are added when I collaborate with my colleagues about teaching methods, curriculum, and political backhands to our funding, etc etc. I have found the latter to be the more fulfilling part conversationally, and the first more fulfilling within my heart. Not that I expect talking with 13-18 year olds to be a real treat or anything, but it makes me appreciative of colleagues who are professionals in their field and can fulfill that intellectual need I have.
But it isn't just through my colleagues that I want this need to be fulfilled. Through this road trip I was able to befriend a really funny kid with whom I was able to have an intellectual conversation with about such "nerdy" topics as Hilter and communism and their Arian supremacy to McCarthyism and blacklisting within the radio and classic film generations. Not that I haven't thought this before, but it was reaffirmed to me that an important quality and factor to a happy and fulfilling marriage to me will be marrying someone with whom I can have those type of intellectual conversations with. It's not just button down shirts and tie with rolled up sleeves that gets me goin' people.
While I'm on that topic, if there is anyone I hope to get the most fulfillment from, in every area possible, it's my spouse. I know that you all are probably like "duh", and that some of your minds probably went to the gutter (tsk tsk), but I really do insist on marrying a man who is my best friend. I want him to be a spiritual advisor for both me and my children and someone who I can have good deep spiritual discussions with - essentially bear my soul to. I want him to be educated enough that we can talk about topics A-Z on our walks together, road trips, camping, whatever and whenever. I want him to be competitive like me so we can kick each others trashes in things. I want to be able to talk to them about anything or everything with the knowledge that A.) they won't judge me. B.) they will really listen - even if men are very visual and we have to repeat things a hundred times to them before they get it or will do something about it...or so I'm told. =D C.) they won't be one sided conversations or just all about them. D.)learn something from it or them. e.) be a better person for doing so, and E.), perhaps most importantly, I'll feel an increase of love from them and for them afterwards.
...Am I being totally unrealstic here?
Even more important that intellectual fulfillment for me is spiritual fulfillment. Something I've been struggling with lately and trying to better within myself is staying engaged and focused in Church. Now, sitting through three straight hours of Church is difficult for anyone no matter the age or consequence, but it seems that ever since technology from iPads to cell phones has been introduced, it's become 10x's more difficult, no matter which class OR ward I attend, who the teacher or presenter is (unless they are my absolute favorite apostles or the prophet speaking =D), or how much I participate in the lesson with questions and answers, to feel complete spiritual fulfillment. I don't even know if it's fair of me to have that expectation...it's not that I don't feel the Spirit strongly, or that I'm not learning, but sometimes the conversations in the classes are very...what's the word I want...shallow? I emphasize that it's what is said, NOT the people, I label this with. I don't know if we are all just answering questions out of feeling bad for the teacher when the room is quiet, are just trying to stay awake, what we're going to have for lunch/dinner just won't leave our mind, or if we're all actually Facebooking or looking up scores on their ESPN app instead of using the Gospel Library/Scripure app to follow along while someone else reads out loud, but there have been many-a-time where I've thought that being covered in paper cuts and having lemon juice and salt poured over them would be better than sitting through three hours of it.
Of course, as soon as I thought this, I felt guilty and immediately began repenting, but then I had another thought: (you see how my thoughts get me in trouble?) I wonder if they do it for the same reason I do: I'm not engaged, so I pull out my phone and engage myself. Sometimes I'll go on the Mormon Channel app or read the whole lesson if I was a slacker and didn't before class or pull up an Ensign article or do the very same two things that were aforementioned (and yes, I do repent for that too.)
Now, all of that aside, it is such a comfort and joy to know that I DO find absolute fulfillment in one very special place: the temple. I can't describe to you how it feels to leave such a holy place "armed with power thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them" (Doctrine and Covenenats 109: 22). Being able to ponder and pray and learn is a joy that cannot be found anywhere else, and that will only be made better one day when I can attend with my husband and present and future family. ANNNNDDD, there are many parts of Church that I find completely satisfactory. Something I use to despise with every fiber of my being was when a teacher would put us in groups! Now I love it! I could be a little biased with this because I am a teacher and love differentiated groups, but I digress. I find that when the teacher breaks us up into small groups and gives us a task that's better than "read this and then discuss it together", the conversation is almost always enlightening, uplifting, thought-provoking, and most importantly - teaches me by the Spirit. Despite this, I'm grateful for the Spirit that is present during those three hours no matter how engaging it is, and I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is perfect - it's the imperfect people like me that I pray the Lord will continue to help as I seek this fulfillment.
Outside of Church, I've been blessed with having some really good spiritual conversations with friends, recent converts especially. I've been going to the gym with my "granddaughter" from my mission (on a mission, "experienced" missionaries who've been in the field for what can be very little time (2-3 months) to almost finished with their mission, will train new missionaries and are called "trainers". I trained the Sister who trained the girl I speak of. Small world right? As we were gasping for air on the elliptical, she related to me an abridged version of her conversion story, and then I was able to briefly tell her my parent's conversion stories as well. Not only did I leave the gym that day feeling fulfilled from the physical exertion and endorphins, but spiritually fed from our talk. Yesterday also provided a great spiritual conversation while we, two of my friends being recent converts, discussed our thoughts over people's reactions and our experience explaining to others the baptisms we do for others in the temple, and there was some relating of the two recent converts experience in learning about the gospel. I find that I'm not as fully satisfied or happy as a member of the Church without having recent converts as a part of my day to day life. What inspirational and strong people they are!
My mind wandered back further to the night before last night when I was having a conversation with some of my girlfriends about, what else, boys :), and the pattern or marrying later in the Church. My two friends I had this talk with are a couple years younger than me, and most of my girlfriends are about their same age, unmarried as well. This talk of lack of marriage happened to tie in with our conversation as we drove through the Virgin River Gorge, though it focused on the exact opposite of our plight. The scenery brought up talk of polygamist colonies nearby, and jokes about how the one guy friend we had brought along certainly fit the bill being surrounded by us four women. We discussed the nature of polygamy and polyandry within and outside of the RLDS church. Of all the things that were spoken of during these two conversations, something one of my friends said struck me as deeply profound. She said something along the lines of: "I think Heavenly Father makes a way for all women to be happy and be taken care of until they get married or even if they never get married." What she said may seem like common sense to many, but I think what really struck me was the absolute truthfulness of what she said. I can testify to what she said on a personal level. I'm 29 and not married (*gasp of horror from the audience*), but the Lord has provided me with a professional career that provides all the necessary things I need, a wonderful family and group of friends, the gospel, etc etc etc. This made me ponder upon the other things in life that fulfill me, and led to a generating of this list in additional to fulfilling conversations:
***Disclaimer: These lists are incomplete, off the top of my head type thing and in no particular order!
*What I'm doing right now =D (Writing)
*Reading (the good stuff - no crappy Twi-high stuff)
*Socializin'
*Learning - self development n growth n all of that
*Being physically active, especially in outdoorsy stuff (bike ridin' yesterday a.m. was dabomb.com KLove!)
*Living the gospel
*Chocolate - yup, I have no shame.
*Competitions - 'specially pwning people in sports and games of all kinds
*Travel!
*Productivity on any level
It also made me think of what things aren't fulfilling:
*Crafts - Scrapbooking, making things with any type of material, etc etc. I stink at them, and they just frustrate me. Maybe it will just be zapped into me when I get married, but I'm pretty sure my husband is going to have be sugar-daddy enough to hire an interior decorator for me.
*Game nights - after 11 years of 'em, they become a bane more than a boon.
*Wasting time - I go insane with boredom and haaaattteeeee feeling sluggish
All of that being said, there are things that have yet to happen that I look forward to being fulfilled. I know being a wife and mother will be another challenging and joyful chapter to my story, that I will continue to blossom in my career, and meet many more wonderful people that bring me fulfillment. I know that I will probably not find full and complete fulfillment until well into the eternities. But I am thankful for those days that I do have that feeling, and to those who provide it for me. My hope for everyone is that there isn't a day that goes by where they don't feel some sort of fulfillment somehow - after all, "Happiness is the design of our existence." Amen, Brother Joseph, Amen.
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