Fulfillment

Sunday Sunday Sunday! (Homestar Runner anyone?) As I tried to force myself to go back to sleep after my body woke me up at 6:30, I found myself randomly reflecting about fulfillment. I'd been in and out of sleep most of the night from weird dreams and nightmares, but since I can't remember any of them, I don't know if this reflection was spawned from them or not. My thoughts drifted to the night before when I had gone on a spontaneous road trip to Saint George with some friends of mine. Our phones were tucked away for the most part and the music was low enough to talk at a regular volume level. The conversations that took place on this road trip made me realize how much I had missed having really good conversations with people. The type that do more than scratch the surface and ask the regular polite questions that happen in everyday conversations. The type that are intellectual, spiritual, thought provoking, stirring, deep - fulfilling.

     I know that may sound strange, but lately there is rarely a singles event I go to that most people are toying with their phones on Facebook or texting or Pinteresting or what have you, more than mixing and mingling with others. And even if they rip themselves from virtual reality to re-engage in conversation, I've been feeling lately that the conversations lack substance and sustenance. I think this is in part because it takes their brain and eyes awhile to recover and transition from being numbed or enveloped in information on a screen to face to face conversation, and it shows when I engage in conversations day to day. There's got to be some sort of social research project out there to support this statistically...

      As far as my career goes, I am engaged in conversation with my students 8 hours a day. 1-2 hours are added when I collaborate with my colleagues about teaching methods, curriculum, and political backhands to our funding, etc etc. I have found the latter to be the more fulfilling part conversationally, and the first more fulfilling within my heart. Not that I expect talking with 13-18 year olds to be a real treat or anything, but it makes me appreciative of colleagues who are professionals in their field and can fulfill that intellectual need I have.

     But it isn't just through my colleagues that I want this need to be fulfilled. Through this road trip I was able to befriend a really funny kid with whom I was able to have an intellectual conversation with about such "nerdy" topics as Hilter and communism and their Arian supremacy to McCarthyism and blacklisting within the radio and classic film generations. Not that I haven't thought this before, but it was reaffirmed to me that an important quality and factor to a happy and fulfilling marriage to me will be marrying someone with whom I can have those type of intellectual conversations with. It's not just button down shirts and tie with rolled up sleeves that gets me goin' people.

       While I'm on that topic, if there is anyone I hope to get the most fulfillment from, in every area possible, it's my spouse. I know that you all are probably like "duh", and that some of your minds probably went to the gutter (tsk tsk), but I really do insist on marrying  a man who is my best friend. I want him to be a spiritual advisor for both me and my children and someone who I can have good deep spiritual discussions with - essentially bear my soul to. I want him to be educated enough that we can talk about topics A-Z on our walks together, road trips, camping, whatever and whenever. I want him to be competitive like me so we can kick each others trashes in things. I want to be able to talk to them about anything or everything with the knowledge that A.) they won't judge me. B.) they will really listen - even if men are very visual and we have to repeat things a hundred times to them before they get it or will do something about it...or so I'm told. =D C.) they won't be one sided conversations or just all about them. D.)learn something from it or them. e.) be a better person for doing so, and E.), perhaps most importantly, I'll feel an increase of love from them and for them afterwards.

...Am I being totally unrealstic here?

     Even more important that intellectual fulfillment for me is spiritual fulfillment. Something I've been struggling with lately and trying to better within myself is staying engaged and focused in Church. Now, sitting through three straight hours of Church is difficult for anyone no matter the age or consequence, but it seems that ever since technology from iPads to cell phones has been introduced, it's become 10x's more difficult, no matter which class OR ward I attend, who the teacher or presenter is (unless they are my absolute favorite apostles or the prophet speaking =D), or how much I participate in the lesson with questions and answers, to feel complete spiritual fulfillment. I don't even know if it's fair of me to have that expectation...it's not that I don't feel the Spirit strongly, or that I'm not learning, but sometimes the conversations in the classes are very...what's the word I want...shallow? I emphasize that it's what is said, NOT the people, I label this with. I don't know if we are all just answering questions out of feeling bad for the teacher when the room is quiet, are just trying to stay awake,  what we're going to have for lunch/dinner just won't leave our mind, or if we're all actually Facebooking or looking up scores on their ESPN app instead of using the Gospel Library/Scripure app to follow along while someone else reads out loud, but there have been many-a-time where I've thought that being covered in paper cuts and having lemon juice and salt poured over them would be better than sitting through three hours of it.

     Of course, as soon as I thought this, I felt guilty and immediately began repenting, but then I had another thought: (you see how my thoughts get me in trouble?) I wonder if they do it for the same reason I do: I'm not engaged, so I pull out my phone and engage myself. Sometimes I'll go on the Mormon Channel app or read the whole lesson if I was a slacker and didn't before class or pull up an Ensign article or do the very same two things that were aforementioned (and yes, I do repent for that too.)

    Now, all of that aside, it is such a comfort and joy to know that I DO find absolute fulfillment in one very special place: the temple. I can't describe to you how it feels to leave such a holy place "armed with power thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them" (Doctrine and Covenenats 109: 22). Being able to ponder and pray and learn is a joy that cannot be found anywhere else, and that will only be made better one day when I can attend with my husband and present and future family. ANNNNDDD, there are many parts of Church that I find completely satisfactory. Something I use to despise with every fiber of my being was when a teacher would put us in groups! Now I love it! I could be a little biased with this because I am a teacher and love differentiated groups, but I digress. I find that when the teacher breaks us up into small groups and gives us a task that's better than "read this and then discuss it together", the conversation is almost always enlightening, uplifting, thought-provoking, and most importantly - teaches me by the Spirit.  Despite this, I'm grateful for the Spirit that is present during those three hours no matter how engaging it is, and I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is perfect - it's the imperfect people like me that I pray the Lord will continue to help as I seek this fulfillment.

     Outside of Church, I've been blessed with having some really good spiritual conversations with friends, recent converts especially. I've been going to the gym with my "granddaughter" from my mission (on a mission, "experienced" missionaries who've been in the field for what can be very little time (2-3 months) to almost finished with their mission, will train new missionaries and are called "trainers". I trained the Sister who trained the girl I speak of. Small world right? As we were gasping for air on the elliptical, she related to me an abridged version of her conversion story, and then I was able to briefly tell her my parent's conversion stories as well. Not only did I leave the gym that day feeling fulfilled from the physical exertion and endorphins, but spiritually fed from our talk. Yesterday also provided a great spiritual conversation while we, two of my friends being recent converts, discussed our thoughts over people's reactions and our experience explaining to others the baptisms we do for others in the temple, and there was some relating of the two recent converts experience in learning about the gospel. I find that I'm not as fully satisfied or happy as a member of the Church without having recent converts as a part of my day to day life. What inspirational and strong people they are!

     My mind wandered back further to the night before last night when I was having a conversation with some of my girlfriends about, what else, boys :), and the pattern or marrying later in the Church. My two friends I had this talk with are a couple years younger than me, and most of my girlfriends are about their same age, unmarried as well. This talk of lack of marriage happened to tie in with our conversation as we drove through the Virgin River Gorge, though it focused on the exact opposite of our plight. The scenery brought up talk of polygamist colonies nearby, and jokes about how the one guy friend we had brought along certainly fit the bill being surrounded by us four women. We discussed the nature of polygamy and polyandry within and outside of the RLDS church. Of all the things that were spoken of during these two conversations, something one of my friends said struck me as deeply profound. She said something along the lines of: "I think Heavenly Father makes a way for all women to be happy and be taken care of until they get married or even if they never get married." What she said may seem like common sense to many, but I think what really struck me was the absolute truthfulness of what she said. I can testify to what she said on a personal level. I'm 29 and not married (*gasp of horror from the audience*), but the Lord has provided me with a professional career that provides all the necessary things I need, a wonderful family and group of friends, the gospel, etc etc etc. This made me ponder upon the other things in life that fulfill me, and led to a generating of this list in additional to fulfilling conversations:

***Disclaimer: These lists are incomplete, off the top of my head type thing and in no particular order!

*What I'm doing right now =D (Writing)

*Reading (the good stuff - no crappy Twi-high stuff)

*Socializin'

*Learning - self development n growth n all of that

*Being physically active, especially in outdoorsy stuff (bike ridin' yesterday a.m. was dabomb.com KLove!)

*Living the gospel

*Chocolate - yup, I have no shame.

*Competitions - 'specially pwning people in sports and games of all kinds

*Travel!

*Productivity on any level

It also made me think of what things aren't fulfilling:

*Crafts - Scrapbooking, making things with any type of material, etc etc. I stink at them, and they just frustrate me. Maybe it will just be zapped into me when I get married, but I'm pretty sure my husband is going to have be sugar-daddy enough to hire an interior decorator for me.

*Game nights - after 11 years of 'em, they become a bane more than a boon.

*Wasting time - I go insane with boredom and haaaattteeeee feeling sluggish

All of that being said, there are things that have yet to happen that I look forward to being fulfilled. I know being a wife and mother will be another challenging and joyful chapter to my story, that I will continue to blossom in my career, and meet many more wonderful people that bring me fulfillment. I know that I will probably not find full and complete fulfillment until well into the eternities. But I am thankful for those days that I do have that feeling, and to those who provide it for me. My hope for everyone is that there isn't a day that goes by where they don't feel some sort of fulfillment somehow - after all, "Happiness is the design of our existence." Amen, Brother Joseph, Amen.

Gym Time

   As I sat/stood on my spin bike today trying not to think about the burning in my legs, lungs, and buns and more so on trying to breathe, I found myself looking about at the other people in the class. It occured to me that most of them were in great shape. My instructor kept yelling "Faster!!" but I ignored her since my resistance was already turned all the way up to a 10, and looked out the windowed room to the other people lifting weights and such in the main gym. Why would people who were already in shape WILLINGLY submit themselves to this pain and affliction AND pay for it?? Why were they there? One look at me and it makes sense why I'm there, but them?  As we were instructed to sit and pedal fast at a six for fourty seconds, I began pondering on motivations. For me, the gym is a good motivator because as a fat kid because I see those kinds of skinny people as my motivation. I also don't want to waste my money, so I go pretty faithfully because I am that cheap. I want it to really equal out being a dollar a day for $30ish dollars a month. As we began doing jumps, it hit me that maybe these people weren't really in shape at all! That just because on the outside they appeared to be thin and in good shape, maybe their bodies were God given, and that they had to work just as hard as I did to be in good health and shape. I looked more closely at some of the people and saw quite a few looking in a worse condition then I was.  I realized that just as many people had looked, and probably still do, look at me and think "Fat kid, can't do squat" (no pun intended), I had been looking at them wrongly too. Yeah, I still hate them for their natural body luck nonetheless.
  Although I didn't want to think about what they thought about me, I started thinking about my life pre-gym. Before this faithful gym attendance, I'd always actively participated in sports, starting with ballet all the way to its opposite, rugby. I've always enjoyed hiking and biking and all that outdoorsy type of activity. I've always tended to surprise people with my athleticism. I remember in what I think was my freshmen year, or at some point in high school, we had some kind of contest involving a 4x4 around the track. I remember I was the last person to run the last 100 meters. I took that baton from my last teammate and proceeded to SMOKE the rest of the skinny fast kids. What I remember most was the shocked looks and dropped jaws as I crossed that finish line. I'm sure they were all thinking, how did she just move all of THAT body mass that fast? I also remember beating my teammates up and down the court so many times that it shocked even my coach. I still remember to this day her eyes getting really big as I sprinted with her down the court for a fast break lay up while everyone else walked and gulped for air. She smiled a HUGE smile and said, "Wow Emma, I'm so impressed!" Yeah, I'm Scottish and Filipino folks. Stamina + fast little people genes. Shouldn't shock anybody :)       
    Anyway, I digress. For fat kids like me, it made sense in my head to originally think them ridiculous and maybe shallow, motivated by people checking them out n such - you know those types. Turning the gym into a bloody meat market. As the spin lady announced we ONLY had four more songs left, I came to a new conclusion. When I've reached my "happy place" and permanently kicked my fat kid to the curb, you will find me nowhere NEAR a gym. I'm looking forward to staying in shape through my love of sports and outdoors and leaving the gym pressure behind. This sister will not be anywhere near a gym, nor paying monthly to be around a whole bunch of sweaty people. I wish them all the best of luck in their happy places too. And I hope that all of us never judge anyone's athetliticsm by their "book cover" of their bodies, too. Happy workin' it!

Nearly 30

Ok ok, so I really just turned 29, but when you turn the lense of life to the "bigger picture" or even the "eternal perspective" focus, it really comes down to the fact that I'm nearly 30. I figured since I've stopped keeping a journal altogether since the beginning of basketball season, updating life on here would have to do, and I haven't really been in the writing mood since basketball either, so I'm taking advantage of both. Warning: This will be extremely random and full of sarcasm. And long. Brace yourself, and realize writing is my outlet for venting. (Really, don't take any of this too seriously.)
2012: Aside from planning and fantasizing about my Dirty Thirty party in Sin City, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to be able to say I've accomplished by the time I'm 30. There is a consistent radiant joy within my heart as a result of living the gospel of Jesus Christ, but there are still many things in my life that I am waiting for to happen, progress and learning that I want to have as a constant in my life. The first thing that comes to mind is my desire to spend this summer writing and getting serious about having one of my many books I've been writing since I was 13 published. It's going to be an insane amount of work and I've been mentally preparing myself for the rejections I'll probably face, but my goal is to hit up Barnes and Noble n buy the publishers book to get started. I remember being at BYU and going to go see numerous authors speak and thinking to myself, "How amazing would it be if I didn't have to go to work everyday, but just travel the world and write and roll in the dough?" I'm not trying to be a J.K. Rowling or anything great, but the authors I met were big time enough to live very comfortably.
I love teaching, but I've realized that writing for a living is my real dream. Realizing this at Nearly 30 is better than never.

Travel: Aside from publishing, I am hoping to travel to either China or Scotland. My bff is teaching English over in China so now would be the prime time to go while I know someone, but my sisters want to go back to Scotland. I feel I could do more good in service and missionary work in China with serving others, but Scotland also provides an opportunity for genealogy and study and writing. Tough choice, but either way it's going to be killer expensive, so the penny scraping has begun. I'd like to go somewhere new, but my heart longs for the country of my ancestors, God's country. And it helps that there are toilets over there instead of holes in the ground like in China, too. Or maybe I'll just go a-wall and go to Australia n marry some random guy with an accent. That would be very Dirty Thirty-ish.

Singles Ward: Nearly 30 didn't fully hit me until I realized with the exception of one that every single one of my college roommates is married with a baby, and nearly all of my mission companions fit the bill too. Being in singles wards with your dating options being 19, 21-23 year olds, 25-28ish yr olds not wanting to commit/addicted to porn, and 30+ with kids has also been a unique situation to be in for me. If you aren't a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints like me, it's hard to understand why this is so strange and why it makes me accutely aware of my age, but regardless or religion, people are getting married later and later. For Mormons, we view this "phenomenon" as part of the devil's plan to destroy families and prevent children with the opportunity to come to this Earth, for "men are, that they might have joy" and partake in the plan of happiness. People always say to me, "Oh, it'll happen when you least expect it" or "when you're not looking for it." When you're a single Mormon girl of my age, that simply isn't an option. You're always hoping for it. And even when I have my "I LOATHE MEN ENTIRELY" rages, or haven't been looking for it, it's always hanging there like an ominous cloud - there's a part of your heart that will never be fulfilled any other way. In the meantime, I carry a resilient faith in the Lord's love and timing.

Changes: My career has thrown my for a loop this year - and made me hop through 1,000 other loops. I wanted a challenge when I left my old job for a new one at Chaparral HS in Las Vegas, but I don't think any of us could anticipate the tremendous weight that would be placed upon our shoulders and the seeming axe at our necks. The fact that my students are stupendous and that the people I work for and with are phenomenal has helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. The latest shock came when I found out I will be changing my entire schedule and classroom in a little less than 2 weeks right smack in the middle of the semester, enter into new training for completely different classes, and take my first graduate class. Just when I had my kids under my thumb and getting in the groove, too. I've always said I don't like menotomy, but this will be like nothing I've every faced before. I tell myself that the experience will help me grow in a way I wouldn't have had I stuck around St. George/Mesquite, and that it will look super impressive on a resume with only 4 years under my belt as a new/young teacher, then gulp and dive in head first. I don't think I know how to do it any other way.

Friends: I feel I am becoming anti-social in my old age. I've slowly been weeding out what I call "the one-siders". I don't know why, but people have always come to me - complete strangers even - for advice or to just talk to about life - I get it from my mother I think, the whole "great listener and counselor" label people have given me. I don't toot my own horn here and really emphasize that everything good about me I get from my angel mother - but I digress. Lately I'm discovering I have very little patience for these types of people. It's the farthest thing from what I want in my marriage, and for what meaningful family relationships I want to have with both my immediate and extended family, including my brothers and sisters in my Heavenly Father's family.
     It took me stepping back and reflecting on these relationships to realize I was being used! That many of my so called friendships involved me standing silently by and listening to the other person tell me all about them and their lives and venting while I listened and supported and gave advice - and nothing beyond that. I realized that these people hardly knew me at all, nor took the time to find out or ask anything about me beyond, "So how are you? How was your day? Do you like anyone?" and those types of trivial questions. Long before this, I had realized that I had always been the one to keep up the contact/communication, and was thrown for a loop when people would get upset at me for not having heard from me for awhile. They hadn't realized I'd been the one doing all the work and that they hadn't taken the first initiative until I cut it off completely. But the new discovery was in addition to all of that, I had let a lot of people walk all over me and treat me badly because I have the "too nice" gene from my mother, the only real "fault" (heavy emphasis on the "    ", I can attribute to her :)
   Since then, I will admit I've been guilty of cutting off contact altogether with most of these people instead of manning up and telling them it's not ok, and realized I had even start to avoid people in general because of this, and being so busy with work, so another Nearly 30 goal is to seek to strike a good balance and put the nice card at the bottom of the deck for awhile. I think I'll be living into the eternities before I find out this whole balance thing with EVERYTHING. But I've started off right in 2012 with treasuring and holding fast to those who have proven to be my true friends, and am delighted to have found many new true friends in my excursions in Vegas. Let's hope I can keep improving.

Self: So much of what my focus was on in 2011 was me, myself, and I. I've been struggling with guilt for that and getting caught up in my appearance for some time now. My family and friends will tell me that it was BECAUSE I didn't take care of myself in the first place that I even got the skin cancer and worsened by stomach condition, but it's been hard for me to once again, find that balance. I'm grateful I got sick because it forced me to look at my health and change my lifestyle, but now I find the true battle is looking in the mirror and being happy with me and being comfortable in my own skin. Looking at other women, I realize that it's probably not realistic to think I can be there by the time I'm 30, and then when I get married, have kids, get old and wrinkly and saggy, etc, but I do want to focus on thinking more positively and not border-line obsessing about everything I eat and how much I do/don't work out. I have to remind myself it's not going to matter what I looked like when my body goes to the grave and starts to decay, but what I've done to help others. I feel my job and Church calling helps strike that balance I seek, but for 2012, I want to SLOWLY keep losing weight without obsessing about it, with my primary focus on serving others and losing myself in doing so.
    I am also trying to focus on "self" parts of me I don't like. I've realized I don't let myself enjoy things as much as I should. I get too caught up in my adult responsibilities and following the law of everything to the letter. It's hard to be a good Mormon girl and find a way to let your hair down and have a good time without it involving the world's way of sex n alcohol or buckets of money. When people compliment me or tell me how in awe they are about my weight loss or different, I always shrug and toss it aside. I am really bad at giving myself credit or letting myself feel joy or pride because of my accomplishments. I know a lot of that is because of how I was raised, but I am determined to spend more time enjoying the good while it lasts, too. I am convinced it will make me a lot happier.

   Well, it's nearly midnight and a morning run is looming, scriptures need reading, and prayers need saying. With all of this aside, what makes me most happy is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I am nothing without it and my Savior. No matter how many goals I set or what I want to have happen in my life, seeking to serve the Lord and do His will it what gives me peace, purpose, and joy in this life, and there is NOTHING I would take in exchange for that (including a really hot man, lots of $$$, and a smokin' bod...really!)
-Em

Summer Travels 2011

 
The phrase "things never work the way you plan them" is overused, but with my life, understated. I started my summer hoping to be moved to Las Vegas right after school got out and subbing at schools in Las Vegas all summer. Instead, there are zero jobs availabe, even through temp services, and in all actuality, I could've stayed at home all summer with how out of town I've been with travels associated with various things.
  I am finally moved in to Vegas halfway through the summer, and although I have made zero extra money, that hasn't stopped me from traveling...
Unfortunately I feel like a lot of my traveling has been the result of bad decisions. Any savings I've put away have been strictly for one thing: travel. What have they been used for? Repairs on my car and unexpected "go-wrongs". That's what savings is SUPPOSED to be for, I know, so in this case, things not going as planned there has been a good thing.
  I've discovered a few things in all my traveling this summer. One is that there feels like something is missing. Another is, it's really hard to find friends to travel with! Everyone is working or poor or married. Finding single independent people to travel with isn't easy, and traveling alone in Europe unaccompanied as a young woman? I only own one very small thing of pepper spray....So, what I've concluded, now that I'm broke, is that I'm going to wait to travel with my future hubby, pre-kids, and on a senior mission.

 I've one more trip to make that I'm saving up for, but otherwise my savings will now be used for more practical things. Maybe pay off my student loans a bit faster, get my windows tinted so that the flesh on my legs stays intact when I sit on the leather in my Lexus, etc. I end this blog with one last depressing thought: ONLY 5 MORE WEEKS TIL I GO BACK TO WORK! Walmart has had school stuff out since the beginning of July! *sigh* Summer is the most fleeting thing there is, no matter who's said differently before.

One handed typing skillage

   
Ole! Ok...done being weird n random now. I've been meaning to update my weight loss stuff buuutttt typin with one hand ain't easy so it will have to wait. I just noticed I didn't update in March at all and I can't believe that it's already May! I've been in a writing/reading mood lately so most of my "blogging" has been with pen and paper. I feel like it's more "authentic" that way I guess, and when the world "ends", I have a better chance of preserving records in a notebook than I do with a laptop/computer that needs electricity to work. Anyway....tangent, sorry.   
     I'll just do some quick updates. I've decided to go and teach at Chaparrall High School in Vegas. It was a tough decision and I don't think of the reality of it has settled in yet, but I've always been a person who doesn't like feeling content or having a life full of mediocrity; I don't stay long in the comfort zone! Neal A. Maxwell said, "True spirituality helps us to achieve balance between being too content with our present self and the equally dangerous human tendency we might have of wishing for more enlarged and impactful roles". I feel like moving to teach at Chaparrall with help me with the balance. It'll be a challenge, and I know I'm giving up a lot, but I hope the saying "With greater sacrifice comes greater blessings" will prove true. I'm looking forward to growing and learning from new colleaugues and new students living in a rough neighborhood. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work, but I feel like getting to be part of starting a school almost completely over again and getting the grad rate up in only 3 years will be invaluable experience for me as a professional/teacher, especially if I choose to take the administrative route.
    Idk where I'm going to live yet...I would to live in Summerlin, (Cheesecake Factory, Tilly's, Target, Whole Foods, and Barnes and Noble all on one shopping corner, hello?!) but it makes the commute longer as opposed to Green Valley/Henderson. The plan is to go to a couple of wards next week to get the vibes from there and see roommate options. What really matters to me is living in a home where the spirit can be present and with roommates who aid that. Even though I don't have my own family and own home yet, I want to make wherever my "home" is a happy place.
   Let's see what else...I signed up to be a summer school sub and went to a temp agency so I'm really hoping I can find a summer job. With a 7-10% pay cut coming up next year, I'm gonna need the extra cash with increased rent cost and what not. And since I'm not going to start my Master's with these stupid "lane freezes" CCSD is implementing, I'm gonna really want something to do with my time other than read books and hit the gym. In the past when I spent my summer's working for Nevada Power in Vegas, there were always valley-wide events with the singles ward so I am STOKED to spend as much time as possible having fun and meeting new people. Mesquite is a retirement community so I've been much deprived in that area, especially to the stark contrast it was moving from BYU. Here, too, I feel, I can improve and grow as a person. It's only a bonus if some of those people so happen to be hot men who are marriage-material :).

   Well, my hand is dyin so I'm gonna close for now. More updates later...

Better Together

    Pain can be used as a tool of focus. So I found out today as I was sitting in Stake Confernce and trying not to fidget too much on my butt cushion - yes, I brought one. Honestly, tell me one person who likes sitting on a metal chair for two hours straight? Recent biopsy's make sitting for a long time a painful deal, and I found myself being negative altogether and finding it hard to focus. All three talks so far had been about family. Why do they always talk about families? I found myself thinking. Don't they know there are youth and single adults who don't have families of their own yet? So, I admittedly tuned out and distracted myself with the cute baby sitting next to me. But then guilt starting setting in, and the pain intensified, and I had a sudden thought. WHat if I could focus on what was being said instead of the pain? Would that help?

    Just then something President Uchtdorf said caught my attention: "Satan stops us from using our time wisely and setting and reaching realistic goals." I've known that tv, internet, texting, pornography, movies - technology in general, really, can be some of these tools, but I'd never really thought about how he can use of those things to take the time we could be using to accomplish goals. No wonder families are destroyed and so much evil replaces it.

    He went on to say, "Families need to set spiritual goals." This too made me think. You always hear families should read and pray together, have FHE, etc, but I think a lot of us look at those of things that we should do, instead of goals to set and acheive. Setting goals can make it, well, I would argue, better. How much better do you feel knowing you set out to accomplish something and you do? The real reward is that feeling of accomplishment.

    So, let's say you set a goal to have your family complete the Book of Mormon by the end of summer, and if you do, you all get to go to Disneyland just before school starts. Have the kids have a goal to read as much as they can in fifteen minutes a day, and whoever reads the most at the end of each month gets a certain privilege. Ah...maybe that's too much of the competitive nature in me, and some would argue it as bribery, but much of the world works this way. Go to school? You get to graduate and go to college. You go to college? You get a better job. A better job? You get cars, homes, a way to provide for your family, etc. And those are all for good causes, and all good goals to set and achieve. A means to an end, and that end hopefully being happiness. I think that's what Heavenly Father wants us to have by setting goals.

    Anyway, I started thinking of what goals I wanted to have for my future family. FHE every week no matter if it always can't be on Monday. I want my kids to be involved in as many things as possible without it outbalancing anything - things to discover their talents, passions, and skills.  Family prayer and scripture study each night, and prayer and scripture study as a couple, then of course on our own. Seems like a lot of time, right? Well, split up between morning and night, and once become a habit, not as difficult as it seems.

    The blessings promised are well worth it anyway. Some President Uchtdorf included were strength, spiritual power, aide with focusing on our priorities, and peace not only in our individual lives, but our families, community, and ultimately the world. What more could our world use than peace at this time?

   Others? Definitely a date night a week with my hubby, one a month being a temple night date (a temple recommend and attendance was included as one of the three things President Uchtdorf said we need to do to rekindle our conversion). Traveling together as a family every summer. Going to some sort of event twice a month as a family, for example a sports game, a concert, a play, something cultural and enlightening you know? Movies are ok but meh, gotta mix it up a bit. I also want my husband to take our daughters out on daddy daughter dates and our sons on "boys weekend", camping trips, stuff like that. I too, of course, want to have individual time with each of the kids too. Favoritism must not exist. Of course, these aren't all set it stone. These are goals I want to set and decide with my husband - together.

    Even with all this goal setting, it's not a reality to think no evil will come or life won't still have its trials and difficulties. So, you have to have a plan to avoid evil when the choice is yours to. You can't just say, "Ok well I'm not gonna do something." You have to plan things to avoid whatever your weakness is, and also what to do when you come face to face with it. Setting and acheiving goals will give you the desire and strength to combat it all. There's no therapist or magic voodoo power that can do any better.

    Another thing President Uchtdorf said was that our families, especially our spouse, need to see and hear our testimony, to strengthen one another to grow in more love one with another. For me, I totally agree with this. There are very few things more attractive to me then a guy who is spiritually strong. When they bear their testimonies in Church, give a talk, teach a lesson - all only made better by a white shirt n tie with the sleeves rolled up lol, I find them preeetttyyy irresisitable. At any rate, setting that couples prayer and reading goal is a great way to accomplish this. Being able to teach my children and bear testimony is one of the few joys in this life I still have to look forward to, and I believe it will help home be a safe haven for them.

    I was thinking about that old cheesy video our youth leaders would show us in Sunday School. You know, the video that flashes back and forth between present day (early 90's back then) and olden times with soldiers at a battle camp. You see these kids in 80's clothes at a party, and as the kid gets closer and closer to making bad decisions, the soldiers remove more and more armor and become more and more careless and unaware of the enemy lying in wait in the trees. They flash back and show one kid who goes into a room with alcohol and a girl, and how, as a soldier, he gets killed by arrows from these enemies lying in wait. Then you've got the Captain Moroni type kid who is aware, keeps his armor on, and not only lives himself, but kills all the other enemies and saves the rest of his army.

   That's kind of how I see this goal setting and accomplishing. You protect yourself, your family, and those around you in ways no one else can. Moral of the story? Grateful for pain today. :)

70 Pounds And Counting...

    I know what you're saying. Holy long blog post! Yeah, it took me two hours and a half hours to do and I will probably fall asleep in Church tomorrow. But, a lot of people have been asking me what my secrets are to my recent weight loss, so I decided to finally get around to responding. I will probably disappoint a lot of people because there really is no single easy secret, but instead a long list of battles that have to be fought that aren't any fun.When was anything worthwhile easy after all? Cursed part of life that although I wish would change, the worthwhile things are always much more rewarding than those things that come easy. And usually more longlasting. Losing weight and determining what makes you happy is also very different for each person, an individual journey with tricks that work ONLY for you, but I will share what I can and hope something I write helps, inspires, or entertains you if nothing else...Pushing the negative realist in me aside, I will do my best to give as many tips and tricks as I can in this blog in hopes that it will help at least one person out there trying to feel better about themselves. I've been avoiding this for awhile because it's such a personal thing...those who know me know I'm pretty guarded and prefer to be a listener unless I really have something to say or am ticked off about something, but you have to want to take time to ask questions and get to know me. So, this wasn't easy for me...but really a large part of this has been to not care what others think and want to judge me for, and lately it's been impressed upon my mind that it's more important to help others than be selfish and fearful...so...here it goes. I'll start with my story. *gulp*
    Summer 2010. The month of July. I'd broken up with my boyfriend in May;  we'd been dating for a year and life had thrown me from cloud nine to rock bottom. The past two months had involved me sitting on my couch stuffing my face or lying in my bed sleeping or crying. It was my way of "coping" with finding out the person I had received confirmation of marrying had cheated on me and lied on numerous occassions about pretty much everything. They ain't jokin when they say love is blind. Anyway, sob story aside, it had a bigger physical effect on my body than I could have anticipated. I started having severe stomach pain, fevers, and all sorts of other unhappy things happening to my body. I remember asking the bishopric to come over and give me a blessing and I was so sick I was shaking, sweating, jittery, clamy - a complete wreck. Even before that, in May I had hurt my back lifting my heavy laptop bag, so I saw my chiropractor every week through August trying to get the pain to go away. My weight was back to where it was in high school, well over 200 pounds. I exercised, but not even close to enough to balance out or exceed the number of calories I was consuming and the extreme amounts of stress I was under.
      I had slowly been gaining weight over the past two years of my teaching at Virgin Valley High School. Anyone who knows me from high school or before knows I've never been skinny - the reasons for me bein a fat kid will not be touched on here, as that would be an entire book in itself, but I'm glad to say those days are behind me. Those who know me from BYU,  I lost 60 lbs during my sophomore year, motivated by the magazine perfection of the girls around me and the number of guys NOT paying attention to me at BYU. I ran 5 miles everyday, lifted weight three times a week, and starved because I had no money to buy food. It was great to be skinny, but it didn't last, and the guys that went after me were all creepers or douschebags (sorry Mom, but the word is so fitting!). I gained a bit back before my mission but it was after college that it really went back on. I didn't handle the stress and demands of my new profession very well at all at first. Stress has always been and always will be my greatest enemy, and trying to finish the rest of my college in a year and starting as a new teacher/coach in a small town ran by parents was a stress jackpot.
    Back to summer. I finally went in to see my doctor and so began the testing. Lots of blood testing, scans, gyno visits, xrays of my liver and kidneys, everything but the ONE test I needed that my insurance company wouldn't cover. He kept assuring me it wasn't ulcers but after getting no results and the insurance company not budging, he finally gave me some ulcer meds and *presto*, after a week or so the pain went away. The day after I got the meds from the doctor, I went in to the dermatologist to get some more face wash and what not. It was a new dermaT, the new PA, and he looked at my face for about five seconds and said, "I do not like the look of this." I was a bit taken aback, but soon realized he wasn't talking about my ugly mug, but about moles. He began poking at my neck and said, "Yeah those are gonna have to come off." Two months later I had four biopsy's and two incisions resulting in nasty scars for removal and treatment of a type of skin cancer called malenoma. My body didn't react well to the stitches or bandaging and I got infections and some big hyrablahblahblah scarring. I knew I wasn't doing well, but ulcers and skin cancer? REALLY?? Let's just say it wasn't my summer.
    It was then I realized that I needed to start taking care of myself and get healthy. It hadn't been spelled out for me and the doctor's hadn't said a word about my weight, but for me it was clear as day. I knew it would be difficult to work out with my new incisions on my back, neck, and arms, and I also didn't know what the best way was to go about changing my eating habits of fast food and on the go type stuff since I was too depressed and poor to buy good foods and cook. A few friends had recommended HCG to me, so I researched that for about a week and gave it a try for a month. I wasn't too happy having to pay $300 for it on top of all my other medical bills, but I was desperate. So for a month I ate 500 calories a day of purely organic foods and spices and put drops under my toungue. I lost 30 lbs in month, but I was HATING my life, more than I was already hating it for how I felt emotionally. People were also badmouthing me behind my back about going on such an "evil cheater" diet and against the word of wisdom and pathetic and so on didn't help either.
     Why was I so miserable? Saying that HCG is an INSANELY strict diet is an understatement. You can eat like 3 types of meat, 3 types of veggies, and 3 types of fruit n that is IT. You have to weigh out everything you eat and if you go under or over or accidentally add something that wasn't on the list you wouldn't lose any weight that day. It was a nightmare having to be so meticulous and spending so much time cooking every single meal and having to pack it. Going to Newport Beach on it was laughable. However, I stopped craving sugar and found I had enough energy to go about a normal day. I felt better than I had in YEARS. Yet, I knew it wasn't a lifestyle I could maintain and that I couldn't live like that for another month. So I started the maintenance phase then went into the dreaded calorie counting and workout regime. It was difficult to eat more than 800-1000 calories after eating so little, but a big part of HCG you have to do in order not to gain the weight back is jumping back to the normal calorie count or you end up gaining it all back. Sounds weird but it's how HCG works - and it certainly did work.
    From the end of August through October I ate about 1100 calories and day, and once my incisions had healed enough, I began extremely rigorous workouts. I'm talkin P90X, Biggest Loser DVD's, running 3-4 miles a day, Jillian Michael personal trainer DVD's, etc. If I'm not sore the next day then I know I didn't push it enough. I combine cardio with strength/toning for the quickest results. I faithfully work out 6 days a week, anywhere from 20-90 minutes a day. The newest thing is shorter more intense interval type metabolism boosting workouts, and let me tell you, the whipped the weight off SO quick and my body shaped and toned at a crazy fast rate.
      Then, sometime in October our school started a "Biggest Loser VVHS", which was easy for me to transition into. I had to increase my calories some more, but I did it slowly enough to where it worked out. From October-January 4th ish I lost 30 more pounds. On that particular BL competition, I was required to eat a certain amount of fruit and vegetables, take a multivitamin, drink a certain amount of water, no eating 3 hours before bed, count my calories, all of those tricks anyone and everyone should do whether they are on a diet or not. After that I've lost about ten more pounds. I still have ten to go to be at "the weight I'm supposed to be", but would like to lose about 20 more. I wanna look rockin' in a bikini - the Mormon tankini version of it of course. 
    So, what I'm sure you want to know is HOW I did it. I gave you all the physical logistics, but what weight loss really comes down to is what you're motivated by, and if that's enough for you. You have to know yourself pretty well, have to find out what makes you tick and run with it. Being 28 and single, I feel I know myself pretty well - I know what you're all thinking..an advantage to being a single LDS girl? What?! But anyway, for me, mine started out as a health issue, but I've narrowed it down to four things that make me tick: competition, accountability, consequences, and perfectionism.
     Accountability. I'm the kind of person that needs to have some sort of obligation to some sort of program, and it's that obligation that makes me feel so guilty that I will not veer from it in any way shape or form. Being raised as a member of the LDS Church and by a father who had strict demands and extremely harsh punishments, I'm very familiar with accountability. My job kinda is all accountability too, so I'm just programmed that way. You have accountability to the Lord, your calling, the Bishop, your leaders, your boss, your parents, your teachers, your grades, yourself, your university/school, paying the bills, soceity, friends, etc etc etc. You just have to look at dieitng the same way. With HCG, it was the fear of gaining crazy amounts of weight if I cheated, and knowing I had to weight in and get measured with my dietician each week. With Biggest Loser VVHS, we had a food journal, a log to fill out everyday, and a weekly weigh in. I'm going to be starting WeightWatchers on Thursday to get the last 20 pounds off because it has that accountability factor I need: weigh ins, a certain amount of points you can't go over, meetings, etc.
     Perfectionism and competition. For some people guilt, fear, or disappointment isn't enough to motivate them, but for me it's all that matters. I HATE feeling guilty or disappointed and I am SUPER hard on myself because my Dad was/is. The consequences of feeling that way drive me to do what I have to even if I don't want to. So along with my dad and being a member of the Church, I was raised a perfectionist and if I don't do perfect I hate myself. This ties in with the competition part. There was another guy at the school that would come and harrass me everyweek and the only one close to my numbers. I've played sports since the time I was like 4, staring with ballet through rugby. I don't like to lose and I'm not going to be ok with losing unless I know I gave 100%, even if it's just a board game. It also helped there was a $100 on the line..which I still have yet to see lol.
    Conseuquences is probably the biggest thing you have to ask yourself if you really care about; it's interwoven with desires, motivations, happiness, etc. For me, I knew if I ate that piece of pizza, that I was going to have to work out for an hour, and not just an easy eliptical workout. Running 4 miles or a tough workout DVD type workout, on top of not being able to eat much else for the day. It came down to, "Is eating this really worth all that effort?" The gasping for air drenched in sweat insanely sore me says NO each time. On top of that, I HATED how I felt. The guilt, stressing about the possible weight gain, thinking I looked fatter in the mirror, having to wait even longer to buy clothes that actually fit me....as a girl, this is a huge motivator because I have like 2 pairs of pants that I have to tie up with a belt and a  few shirts n that's it, but I WILL NOT buy new clothes until I'm where I want to be. I caved and bought a pair of jeans and a pair of work pants around Christmas and my birthday because I just looked effing ridiculous, but that has been it. Any other clothes I had from the time in college where I was skinny. But I wasn't happy when I messed up. I'm happier when I do what I'm supposed to and see the great results than giving in to the short term desires.
    So, first secret. Find out what works for you. Some people it's having to be in a swimsuit, wanting to impress a guy or girl, wanting to fit into an old pair of jeans, not being able to do things "normal" people can do, whatever it is, you gotta put that as more important than all the desires of your flesh or heart. You have to want it more than you want anything else (gospel related things aside).
   Two: Tell yourself you want the long term results more than the short term gratifications. Yeah I can eat that donut but then I'll feel guilty for like a week and not lose that extra pound and be depressed about being knocked back by that. When I was in high school my Dad would drag me out of bed every morning at 5 am and make me go running with him. I already hated getting up early to be at early morning seminary at 6:30, so getting up even earlier than that as a teenage girl? Yeah. Every day, before we would start to run, my Dad would pull a Babe Ruth pose and point up the sky and say, "Out there is what you want. You have to want that more than you want the short term results." And then we ran all the way around town, and I was NOT allowed to stop. Back then I hated him for that. Now I see the principle he was trying to teach me and am a firm believer in it. It really works.
  Three: The litte things make all the difference. The multivitamin, all four servings of vegetables, working out 6 days instead of 4 or 5. They take time to add up and make a difference, but there is no denying the results. And you don't have to be perfect. As long as you are doing better than the way you used to be and are slowly breaking habits, you'll see results! (Wow, been doing too many workout DVD's, soundin like one of them.) But really, baby steps are good.
   Four, you need support not people bagging you being on a diet and eating crap around you. I was really lucky and am still lucky to have a roommate on the same page as me. If all else fails there's the big Man upstairs. Believe me, I've been prayin my guts out since May til now and will continue to do so for help with this. You cannot do it alone; support from someone is a must.
   And last, but the most important, number five is simply commitment and balance. It is a huge mental, emotional, physical, psychological TIME DEMANDING commitment. You have to think about everything you do and don't do towards your goal and you have to take the time to make it a priority. You have to be willing to give up a lot in order to get it. A lot of that time is spent learning how to balance and juggle and still have a well rounded life where you are meeting your other priorities, and it is WORK and it is NOT easy. 
   It was worth it for me. You just have to find out if it is for you, as it is with all things in life, really... so, let the battle rage on.