Since my last post, I've had quite a few conversations with other single people like me about dating, the friend zone, and the like. I also happened upon a show on TV that's had me thinking. Thanks to my roommate, I have cable for the first time in all my 29 years of life, and there's a show called "Miss Advised", with a woman who has a list of 100, yes, ONE HUNDRED, requirements she has for her future husband. Re-dic, right? I thought LDS girls were bad until I saw her list. Like any typical LDS girl, we made a list in Church It's 15 years later and mine is in a box somewhere, so I thought I'd draft up another list off the top of my head like I did then...
DREAM HUSBAND LIST:
NON-NEGOTIABLE'S
1. Must be taller than me. Yeah, call me shallow for putting it as #1, but that's been a must since I was taller than every boy from 1st-6th grade and has only been solidified by the fact that I'm still taller than most boys I know. Preferably at least 3 inches so I can still show off my calf muscles with some heels. I'm sorry, but I just can't lean down to kiss someone, unless it's the top of my kid's heads or something.
2. Must be a good driver. Idk why, but nothing irks me more than someone who drives slow or stupidly. Yes, I want you to pass people and not wait behind someone for two miles because you have to exit then. Yes, I'm ok with you going 5-9 miles over the speed limit, even when we're driving our babies around in our non mini-van. Wherever you are, Mr. Hubby, you're going to be stopping at lots of red lights, so going slow will only add to the problem. Do I want an idiot driver? Of course not. Nor do I want someone with bad road rage - see #3. But save it for when you're a grandpa, ok? Alright, stepping off of soap box...
3. Must not have a temper. This is an extremely personal non-negotiable that I'll of course share with the hubs, but suffice it to say I've lived my entire life having to deal with someone with an insanely scary bad temper and it's been detrimental to me and my family. NOT gonna happen for my eternity.
4. Temple wedding/worthy. Does this mean I'm close minded and won't marry someone who's not of my faith? No. But, it would have to happen in this lifetime. I also don't want someone who sort of kind of lives the gospel or pretends to or any of those shenanagans - it'll be apparent by his life and example if it's real or not. It wouldn't hurt if he would one day be an apostle so we can travel the world serving the Lord together. Just sayin'...
5. Honesty and communication. If I look at most people I know that are miserable in their marriage, aside from extremes, most of the cheating/divorcing happens because this component is lacking. I could go on for this for pages, but if I can't trust him and vice versa, and we can't effectively communicate through conversation and expression of feelings without fear of being judged, hated, misunderstood, then what's the point of being together for eternity?
6. He has to be willing to wear a kilt at our wedding reception! If his family wants to too, all the better!
What I'd LIKE/am looking for..(Now THIS I could write a book on, but I'll keep it short tonight.)
1. Sporty. Yes, I'd like some shooters and spikers for kiddos, but I like watching and going to games and I really want to school him 1-1 on the court (Love and Basketball = best movie ever). Am I asking for a Greek god athlete? No, but it'd be nice to play or watch sports with him.
2. Educated. I'll admit it, I get turned on when a guy uses big words or proves knowledgeable in a given field of study/topic. Intelligence has always been attractive to me, and no, that doesn't mean he has to have a Masters and PhD. But I like talkin smart/nerdy - it's hot.
3. Traveler. Plan on doing it for the rest of my life, and I'd like someone to do it with.
4. Easy going. One of my weaknesses is that I'm pretty uptight and I stress so much that it's a detriment to my health. I was raised by Hitler incarnate so I follow rules to the tee and I'm very organized, planned out, and overly responsible. I need someone who will encourage me to let my hair down and help me relax - without being too apathetic.
5. Humor. This is probably on every girl's list in the whole world, but he's gotta be funny and have a great personality. I want to be a complete goof-ball and weirdo with him and make me stop being mad at him because he made me laugh or smile. I don't like mean humor, and sarcastic humor is nice as long as it's not passive aggressive degrading, but the more calories I can burn, the better, and laughing them off is a bonus.
Things I strongly DISLIKE:
1. Guys that talk all about themselves. People have always told me I'm a good listener, and a role I play for many friends is counselor/therapist, but I want it to be even-Steven with m'mate. Do I want him to be girly sensitive or my shrink? No, but I want him to ask about me and my day, what's on my mind, have a genuine interest in me and my well being. And that goes for all things in a relationship - gotta meet halfway.
2. Messiness. If you're gonna be messy, then make enough dough to hire a maid honey. My childhood slave labor/indentured servitude ended the day I turned 18, but now I look at messes and have horrors of having to go back to that. I prefer separate toilets. I know I'm going to have to some cleaning up after him and my kids, but the golden rules of cleaning up after yourself are gonna stay golden in my future fam.
3. Momma's boys. No, I don't want to be compared to your mother my whole life and hear about her cooking and amazing sewing skills and have you on the phone with her all the time, or go cry to her when we fight. As I saw on some stupid thing on facebook, love her as a wife, protect her like a daughter, respect her like your mother. That scripture about leaving the parents and cleaving unto the wife? Importante.
Unfinished, but got out what's on my mind. Does my life revolve around getting married? Eff no!. I've been pursuing my writing journey full force and am finding immense joy in it. But a girl can dream, can't she?
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Dating Disasters: The Top 20 Ways To Identify a Ball-less Wonder
Hello all!
Since I've shifted a lot of my focus and time on writing, I've learned and accepted quite a few new things, including the following:
1. People are gonna get offended and/or take things personally no matter if I mean to offend or if what I write wasn't about them at all.
2. People will either love or hate my writing, hence why there's so many different authors, genres, etc to appeal to DIFFERENT audiences. We were never made/meant to be the same.
3. Writing is extremely intimate and exposing. I could very easily be swept off my feet by a guy who writes me notes, love letters, post-its, etc.
4. Writing is the hardest work I've ever done.
5. I do my best writing in the wee hours of the morning. UGH.
I've decided to focus my writing tonight on DATING, yes, dating (even if I should be saving all of my writing energy for an exciting new project I'm starting tomorrow morning, but I digress). A couple years ago I got a roommate who I consider to be the best roommate I've ever had and will probably ever have. We were roomies for two years and we had a blast talking about boys. We started ad-libbing a book called Barbies, Bimbos, and Bozo's - Dating in Mormon Culture (it's in the works, don't worry, I plan on it being the 2nd book I publish). One night when I was really frustrated with a particular young man I was dating at the time, she said to me, "Em, you need to stop finding these ball-less wonders!" From then on, we used this coined phrase to sum up either our lack of dating, frustrations within dating, etc etc. A lot of people have either been offended or confused by this phrase, so tonight I'm going to clarify what I mean when I say I want to date and eventually marry a guy with some balls.
As always, I have some disclaimers:
A.I know lots of girls who do things on this list.
B. I will admit without shame that I may or may not have used one of these myself. Don't think that I think I'm a perfect angel.
C. If you've done any of these things on the list, does it mean that I won't date you, or that you're not date-able material, or that girls won't go after you? No. Heck, some of you reading this may even be married!
Look at this list as more of things to stop doing/work on. We all want to be better people, (myself included) right?
However, if you get offended by this list, I'm not sorry, because as one great Apostle of the Lord said, "You choose to be offended." And God ain't wrong, honey child!
Moving on. Urbandictionary.com, the worst and most vulgar dictionary to date, actually got pretty close to what it means to have no balls. (I've edited it for the sake of the children):
"To be a spineless, whiney, balding, pu**y with mommy complexes and other troublesome issues."
To clarify and branch off of that, I've compiled a list of 20 ways you could fit my description. Most of these have to do with one of three things:
1. Excuses
2. Fears
3. Insecurities
However, they're much more fun and entertaining to get specific with! These 20 things come mostly from conversations I've had with multiple girls of all different ages, from all over the world, and yes, a few are from my own experiences (and no, I won't tell you which ones! =D) They are in no particular order because it's 2:frickin30 A.M. n that's too much work right now. With no further adieu:
YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE BALLS IF...
20. You left em with yo momma to keep yanking you around with, or you never got them back from an ex that you need to move on from.
19. A girl makes it really obvious she likes you but you keep her in "the friend zone" because of reason 1,2, or 3 above.
18. You are worried you'll lose her as a friend if you try and date her and mess up and then she'll hate you.
People don't say to marry your best friend because it's a cute cliche phrase. It's because it's what works best. If she's really a good friend, she'll work with you.
Also, guys and girls weren't really made to be "just friends", unless you're related or something - don't think I'm encouraging incest, please. Gross. But ask yourself this: Are you more worried about losing her as a friend, or losing her as love of your life and mother of your children? Just sayin'...
17. You don't want to commit to one girl because what if someone else better/hotter/richer/whatever comes along?
If you think this, then you're most likely gonna cheat on her in the future anyway. Save yourself, yo chillins, and your and her family the heartache NOW by getting rid of this excuse.
16. You pull the non-emergency family card to get out of a date.
Your parents got in a car wreck and you have to cancel? Totally understandable.
Your cousin is in town and you're cancelling to go to dinner with them instead?
DB status! Kick em to the curb ladies!
15. You get intimidated by a girl's income, possessions, height, degree(s)/career, returned missionary ;), status, looks, or the fact that she's not submissive and in the kitchen all the time.
14. You won't date a girl because she is better than you at/in _____________________________.
13. Her height makes you feel insecure or secure, whether she be almost as tall/almost as tall as you, (this is actually the one thing I'm shallow about and will not do) taller than you, or yes, way shorter than you!
When I see a guy that is 6'4" with a girl who is 5'2", it screams, "Yeah, check me out, I date this chick cuz it makes me feel big and powerful and protective and I feel really strong and manly when I can bench press her with one hand." Honestly, the guys I enjoy dating, kissing, hugging, and dancing with most are closer to my height.
12. You drop hints or make jokes about being with her instead of balling up and telling her how you really feel because (insert excuse).
11. You get offended by something a girl said/did and instead of communicating with her about it, you a.) put her in the friend zone, b.) turn on the dousche-bag switch c.) stop talking to her altogether.
10. You see another guy talking to the girl you like and instead of fighting to win her heart, you complain to your bros, give up, or call her a "insert swear word about girl here".
9. You lie.
8. You cheat.
7. "Because she's crazy!" is the #1 reason you use to answer why you stopped liking/broke up with a girl.
A friend of mine once told me "We know that all girls are crazy. You just have to decide which kind of crazy you can handle." Same goes for guys. "We know that all guys are dousches. We just have to decide what level/type of dousche we're willing to train and make better! :)
In all seriousness, you have to be willing to accept that everyone has their weaknesses; you just have to decide which weaknesses you can handle/work through/love them regardless of.
6. You say or do something hurtful to a girl and instead of communicating effectively, apologizing, or making up for it, you:
a.) See #12.
b.) See #13.
c.) Leave it alone and hope she'll just get over it
d.) Wait for her to talk to you again and play WoW or a side-dish girl in the meantime.
5. You string a lot of girls along because you have to have someone to boost your ego every now and then and you're afraid of being alone, all the while hoping they never find out about each other.
4. You say to yourself: "When I: do such and such, become this person, have the money, have a better career, get buff, etc, THEN I'll ask her out/pursue her."
3. You're afraid of rejection and intimacy, on any level.
Cool. Stay a bachleor and become one of those nasty old men who whistle at me and end up dying alone. More power to you.
2. You have to abuse a girl either mentally, physically, or emotionally to feel like you a man.
1. And the number one way you might be a ball-less wonder?
*DRUM ROLL*
You know love her/have strong feelings for her but you won't DO a thing about it because (See #'s 1,2, and 3 above the list).
Nuff said.
Since I've shifted a lot of my focus and time on writing, I've learned and accepted quite a few new things, including the following:
1. People are gonna get offended and/or take things personally no matter if I mean to offend or if what I write wasn't about them at all.
2. People will either love or hate my writing, hence why there's so many different authors, genres, etc to appeal to DIFFERENT audiences. We were never made/meant to be the same.
3. Writing is extremely intimate and exposing. I could very easily be swept off my feet by a guy who writes me notes, love letters, post-its, etc.
4. Writing is the hardest work I've ever done.
5. I do my best writing in the wee hours of the morning. UGH.
I've decided to focus my writing tonight on DATING, yes, dating (even if I should be saving all of my writing energy for an exciting new project I'm starting tomorrow morning, but I digress). A couple years ago I got a roommate who I consider to be the best roommate I've ever had and will probably ever have. We were roomies for two years and we had a blast talking about boys. We started ad-libbing a book called Barbies, Bimbos, and Bozo's - Dating in Mormon Culture (it's in the works, don't worry, I plan on it being the 2nd book I publish). One night when I was really frustrated with a particular young man I was dating at the time, she said to me, "Em, you need to stop finding these ball-less wonders!" From then on, we used this coined phrase to sum up either our lack of dating, frustrations within dating, etc etc. A lot of people have either been offended or confused by this phrase, so tonight I'm going to clarify what I mean when I say I want to date and eventually marry a guy with some balls.
As always, I have some disclaimers:
A.I know lots of girls who do things on this list.
B. I will admit without shame that I may or may not have used one of these myself. Don't think that I think I'm a perfect angel.
C. If you've done any of these things on the list, does it mean that I won't date you, or that you're not date-able material, or that girls won't go after you? No. Heck, some of you reading this may even be married!
Look at this list as more of things to stop doing/work on. We all want to be better people, (myself included) right?
However, if you get offended by this list, I'm not sorry, because as one great Apostle of the Lord said, "You choose to be offended." And God ain't wrong, honey child!
Moving on. Urbandictionary.com, the worst and most vulgar dictionary to date, actually got pretty close to what it means to have no balls. (I've edited it for the sake of the children):
"To be a spineless, whiney, balding, pu**y with mommy complexes and other troublesome issues."
To clarify and branch off of that, I've compiled a list of 20 ways you could fit my description. Most of these have to do with one of three things:
1. Excuses
2. Fears
3. Insecurities
However, they're much more fun and entertaining to get specific with! These 20 things come mostly from conversations I've had with multiple girls of all different ages, from all over the world, and yes, a few are from my own experiences (and no, I won't tell you which ones! =D) They are in no particular order because it's 2:frickin30 A.M. n that's too much work right now. With no further adieu:
YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE BALLS IF...
20. You left em with yo momma to keep yanking you around with, or you never got them back from an ex that you need to move on from.
19. A girl makes it really obvious she likes you but you keep her in "the friend zone" because of reason 1,2, or 3 above.
18. You are worried you'll lose her as a friend if you try and date her and mess up and then she'll hate you.
People don't say to marry your best friend because it's a cute cliche phrase. It's because it's what works best. If she's really a good friend, she'll work with you.
Also, guys and girls weren't really made to be "just friends", unless you're related or something - don't think I'm encouraging incest, please. Gross. But ask yourself this: Are you more worried about losing her as a friend, or losing her as love of your life and mother of your children? Just sayin'...
17. You don't want to commit to one girl because what if someone else better/hotter/richer/whatever comes along?
If you think this, then you're most likely gonna cheat on her in the future anyway. Save yourself, yo chillins, and your and her family the heartache NOW by getting rid of this excuse.
16. You pull the non-emergency family card to get out of a date.
Your parents got in a car wreck and you have to cancel? Totally understandable.
Your cousin is in town and you're cancelling to go to dinner with them instead?
DB status! Kick em to the curb ladies!
15. You get intimidated by a girl's income, possessions, height, degree(s)/career, returned missionary ;), status, looks, or the fact that she's not submissive and in the kitchen all the time.
14. You won't date a girl because she is better than you at/in _____________________________.
13. Her height makes you feel insecure or secure, whether she be almost as tall/almost as tall as you, (this is actually the one thing I'm shallow about and will not do) taller than you, or yes, way shorter than you!
When I see a guy that is 6'4" with a girl who is 5'2", it screams, "Yeah, check me out, I date this chick cuz it makes me feel big and powerful and protective and I feel really strong and manly when I can bench press her with one hand." Honestly, the guys I enjoy dating, kissing, hugging, and dancing with most are closer to my height.
12. You drop hints or make jokes about being with her instead of balling up and telling her how you really feel because (insert excuse).
11. You get offended by something a girl said/did and instead of communicating with her about it, you a.) put her in the friend zone, b.) turn on the dousche-bag switch c.) stop talking to her altogether.
10. You see another guy talking to the girl you like and instead of fighting to win her heart, you complain to your bros, give up, or call her a "insert swear word about girl here".
9. You lie.
8. You cheat.
7. "Because she's crazy!" is the #1 reason you use to answer why you stopped liking/broke up with a girl.
A friend of mine once told me "We know that all girls are crazy. You just have to decide which kind of crazy you can handle." Same goes for guys. "We know that all guys are dousches. We just have to decide what level/type of dousche we're willing to train and make better! :)
In all seriousness, you have to be willing to accept that everyone has their weaknesses; you just have to decide which weaknesses you can handle/work through/love them regardless of.
6. You say or do something hurtful to a girl and instead of communicating effectively, apologizing, or making up for it, you:
a.) See #12.
b.) See #13.
c.) Leave it alone and hope she'll just get over it
d.) Wait for her to talk to you again and play WoW or a side-dish girl in the meantime.
5. You string a lot of girls along because you have to have someone to boost your ego every now and then and you're afraid of being alone, all the while hoping they never find out about each other.
4. You say to yourself: "When I: do such and such, become this person, have the money, have a better career, get buff, etc, THEN I'll ask her out/pursue her."
3. You're afraid of rejection and intimacy, on any level.
Cool. Stay a bachleor and become one of those nasty old men who whistle at me and end up dying alone. More power to you.
2. You have to abuse a girl either mentally, physically, or emotionally to feel like you a man.
1. And the number one way you might be a ball-less wonder?
*DRUM ROLL*
You know love her/have strong feelings for her but you won't DO a thing about it because (See #'s 1,2, and 3 above the list).
Nuff said.
Friday, May 25, 2012
FNB
I think this blogging is happening besides the obvious reason that I didn't have a date, but because I'm so past exhausted that I can't sleep, and stress won't let me sleep either. I'm also avoiding all of the housing that I should be looking at online because I know that's what I'm going to have to do all day tomorrow and Monday. I think I'm doing what most 20-somethingsandsingle's do: Avoid responsibilty from time to time. We're not quite "real" adults yet because we don't have the responsibility of marriage and family, so it's slightly more socially acceptable to escape for a little while. "Mormon escaping" usually doesn't include the typical alochol escape, and I guess mine tonight is writing.
This will be short, however, as regardless of the aforementioned, waking up at 4:30 always wins over eventually. My week was pretty exciting, full of death threats, antics of a schizophrenic roomate, being hit on and asked out by older men at work, losing my car - the usual noluckEmily events. I stay in good spirits mostly because I know it could be worse - and it has been worse before. A lot of other good things have happened in the last couple weeks so I guess Heavenly Father had to chuck a boulder of bad at me to even it out or something gods do that my mortal brain can't comprehend. 8 days of school left, 4 of those being finals. Decided to coach another year of basketball, this year as Varsity Assistant Coach - a spot I've been wanting for awhile. Not thrilled about starting the season already, but, apparently next year it will be an all year sort of thing. Good thing I love the game so much. This is lame but I think if I could get tats one would be a basketball shaped heart. Haha. I think that is a good sign that I should go to bed. My lack of wit, interesting topics, and/or rambling could also be good indicators. I do feel less like a blog-slacker now though - hopefully my next blog will be as "usj". =D
This will be short, however, as regardless of the aforementioned, waking up at 4:30 always wins over eventually. My week was pretty exciting, full of death threats, antics of a schizophrenic roomate, being hit on and asked out by older men at work, losing my car - the usual noluckEmily events. I stay in good spirits mostly because I know it could be worse - and it has been worse before. A lot of other good things have happened in the last couple weeks so I guess Heavenly Father had to chuck a boulder of bad at me to even it out or something gods do that my mortal brain can't comprehend. 8 days of school left, 4 of those being finals. Decided to coach another year of basketball, this year as Varsity Assistant Coach - a spot I've been wanting for awhile. Not thrilled about starting the season already, but, apparently next year it will be an all year sort of thing. Good thing I love the game so much. This is lame but I think if I could get tats one would be a basketball shaped heart. Haha. I think that is a good sign that I should go to bed. My lack of wit, interesting topics, and/or rambling could also be good indicators. I do feel less like a blog-slacker now though - hopefully my next blog will be as "usj". =D
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Hot or Not?
Some recent conversations with my peers and students is my inspiration (or lack thereof?) for my post tonight. The pictures below are a little preview...
I am the oldest of 7 children. There are five girls and two boys, and the order is girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, girl (<--- the last three we older siblings affectionately dubbed "the three little girls", though the youngest is now 14!). It has always been my belief that my father, if he had the chance, would trade in his girls and have 5 boys and 2 girls instead. This may sound harsh or unbelievable, but give me a paragraph to explain...
You see, I wasn't raised like your typical girl. I STARTED off "right", taking ballet from pre-school age until about 7-8, played with Barbies (and even made my brother Cameron, who is just younger than me, play along - yeah, I have blackmail evidence of us playing Barbie's together during bathime - though he mostly just chewed the feet off of them....anyway, I digress). My mother sewed me cute litte girls clothes, and I had Rainbow Brite, Jem, pink everything, etc. It wasn't until we moved to Hawthorne that I realized my father started raising me as a boy. I don't know if it was because he now had more girls than boys (I was 8 when we moved, so me, Cameron, Kelsie, Dallin, and Caley were all born), or what, but I started playing Zelda, Sega, N64, etc etc with my Dad, or watching him play. To this day, we own more video games than movies BY FAR, and all 7 of us are "gamers" on some level.
I also got heavily involved with sports, starting with basketball and including softball/t-ball, volleyball, soccer, track, etc. I remember many of my Saturdays spent watching European football on DirectTv with my dad, along with 49ers and BYU football, etc. There was always either a sports game, or a video game, on my dad's TV screen. When I wasn't doing school or Church, I was playing a sport, or at a camp, or watching a game. My dad would lecture me for a good hour after each basketball game through my senior year of high school, oh, and every single practice of every sport too...
We also spent a lot of time camping and doing lots of outdoorsy stuff. To this day I can set up a tent in no time, whip up a fire, etc, and that's not because of Girls Camp. Now, in my mother's defense, I know how to do all the "woman" stuff, like cook, clean, do my hair and nails, etc etc etc. But there is not a crafty/creative bone in my body. I hate the color pink, I 'd rather by shot than have to make a quilt, paint a picture frame, scrapbook, decorate a home, etc. And I LOATHE shopping! I could care less about having twenty different outfits with matching purses, accessories, etc. I think I own 3 pairs of jeans, a handful of shirts and dresses, couple pair of school pants, and maybe ten pairs of shoes. No joke.
I've come to some realizations about myself because of all of this. One: I'm going to have to marry me a rich man (and I will call him Suga Daddy), and hire an interior decorator. Two: I'm going to have to hire someone to go shopping for me and bring my clothes in on a rack like those rich Housewives of whatevers do. And I'll need a tailor because my body is so weird.
Number 3 is a matter of confusion for me, and brings me back to my title, Hot or Not? Because I have been an avid gamer my whole life, I find myself talking to a lot of guys about it. In college, I would enter into Halo tournaments and destroy my all-male competition. I remember entering into one at one of my apartment complex's, Carriage Cove. There were 4 TV's, 16 screens, 1 loss elimiation. I kept hearing shouts of "Who's such-and-such? (I can't remember my gamer tag back then)." When it was found out that the GIRL was beating them, there were such howls of protest as I had never heard. I got 2nd, losing to a guy who clearly did nothing but game; such a sweet spirit...
I also remember my days in the MTC. My favorite time was free time, when we got to go to the gym. At first, I would get on the treadmill or bike or walk around the gym like all of the other Sister's did, but it was KILLING me to watch the Elder's play basketball. Yeah, I was a girl, but I was confident I could whip em. So, I grabbed a few Elder's from my district and dragged them into a game of lightning with me. I don't remember how many people were in the game, but I am pretty sure it was close to fifty. Twenty minutes later it was just me and this big Native American kid left in the game with the rest of the missionaries in the gym surrounded and watching. We were both so tired we were jogging by now, but neither of us was missing. I won about ten minutes later when he bricked the ball and I sank my last free throw. The boys were, once again, howling in protest, but mostly shock.
I've also had a lot of positive reactions to these sides of me. I've had many guys tell me "that's hot!" when I tell them I'm a gamer chic, or that I LOVE to both play AND watch sports - minus golf and baseball on T.V. - yuck. Lots of Elders at that game were winking at me and seemed totally into me both at the MTC and on the mission. When I played co-ed volleyball at BYU, I got much of the same reactions with guys; heck, we'd even go run and weight lift together.
I always smile and look bashful when they tell me such things, and sure enough, they invite me over to play Halo or COD or watch a game. But the strange thing has always been, these guys never make a move on me when we play or watch, nor do they pursue me to date. At one point I even bought a shirt (n yeah I still own it) that says "Girls are no substitute for a PlayStation" because it was like I was just one of the guys when we played. So it's hot, but it's like, buddy hot? Hot to watch me, or just the idea is hot? I have yet to have a relationship with a guy based off of these common interests, and it's a phenomenon that I'm hoping I'll get some comments on to help me understand a guy's psyche with. If something a girl does is hot, or you tell me I'm hot, I'm gonna think you're into me in the way that guys and girls are naturally into each other. Yet, no results??
I don't think I'll always be this way. Even nowadays I don't play much multiplayer on Xbox, and I'm sure once I become a mother and want to nest and such that I'll try my hand at more girly things. I will always like sports and I'm bound and determined to marry a guy I can sit and watch a game with - just be plain competitive with period!! I don't think I could be in a relationship that didn't have that element to it, and making up after "fighting" about a game? Yeah!! I also hope whatever I do, my hubby will definitely dub it "hot", rather than "not". <3
I am the oldest of 7 children. There are five girls and two boys, and the order is girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, girl, girl (<--- the last three we older siblings affectionately dubbed "the three little girls", though the youngest is now 14!). It has always been my belief that my father, if he had the chance, would trade in his girls and have 5 boys and 2 girls instead. This may sound harsh or unbelievable, but give me a paragraph to explain...
You see, I wasn't raised like your typical girl. I STARTED off "right", taking ballet from pre-school age until about 7-8, played with Barbies (and even made my brother Cameron, who is just younger than me, play along - yeah, I have blackmail evidence of us playing Barbie's together during bathime - though he mostly just chewed the feet off of them....anyway, I digress). My mother sewed me cute litte girls clothes, and I had Rainbow Brite, Jem, pink everything, etc. It wasn't until we moved to Hawthorne that I realized my father started raising me as a boy. I don't know if it was because he now had more girls than boys (I was 8 when we moved, so me, Cameron, Kelsie, Dallin, and Caley were all born), or what, but I started playing Zelda, Sega, N64, etc etc with my Dad, or watching him play. To this day, we own more video games than movies BY FAR, and all 7 of us are "gamers" on some level.
I also got heavily involved with sports, starting with basketball and including softball/t-ball, volleyball, soccer, track, etc. I remember many of my Saturdays spent watching European football on DirectTv with my dad, along with 49ers and BYU football, etc. There was always either a sports game, or a video game, on my dad's TV screen. When I wasn't doing school or Church, I was playing a sport, or at a camp, or watching a game. My dad would lecture me for a good hour after each basketball game through my senior year of high school, oh, and every single practice of every sport too...
We also spent a lot of time camping and doing lots of outdoorsy stuff. To this day I can set up a tent in no time, whip up a fire, etc, and that's not because of Girls Camp. Now, in my mother's defense, I know how to do all the "woman" stuff, like cook, clean, do my hair and nails, etc etc etc. But there is not a crafty/creative bone in my body. I hate the color pink, I 'd rather by shot than have to make a quilt, paint a picture frame, scrapbook, decorate a home, etc. And I LOATHE shopping! I could care less about having twenty different outfits with matching purses, accessories, etc. I think I own 3 pairs of jeans, a handful of shirts and dresses, couple pair of school pants, and maybe ten pairs of shoes. No joke.
I've come to some realizations about myself because of all of this. One: I'm going to have to marry me a rich man (and I will call him Suga Daddy), and hire an interior decorator. Two: I'm going to have to hire someone to go shopping for me and bring my clothes in on a rack like those rich Housewives of whatevers do. And I'll need a tailor because my body is so weird.
Number 3 is a matter of confusion for me, and brings me back to my title, Hot or Not? Because I have been an avid gamer my whole life, I find myself talking to a lot of guys about it. In college, I would enter into Halo tournaments and destroy my all-male competition. I remember entering into one at one of my apartment complex's, Carriage Cove. There were 4 TV's, 16 screens, 1 loss elimiation. I kept hearing shouts of "Who's such-and-such? (I can't remember my gamer tag back then)." When it was found out that the GIRL was beating them, there were such howls of protest as I had never heard. I got 2nd, losing to a guy who clearly did nothing but game; such a sweet spirit...
I also remember my days in the MTC. My favorite time was free time, when we got to go to the gym. At first, I would get on the treadmill or bike or walk around the gym like all of the other Sister's did, but it was KILLING me to watch the Elder's play basketball. Yeah, I was a girl, but I was confident I could whip em. So, I grabbed a few Elder's from my district and dragged them into a game of lightning with me. I don't remember how many people were in the game, but I am pretty sure it was close to fifty. Twenty minutes later it was just me and this big Native American kid left in the game with the rest of the missionaries in the gym surrounded and watching. We were both so tired we were jogging by now, but neither of us was missing. I won about ten minutes later when he bricked the ball and I sank my last free throw. The boys were, once again, howling in protest, but mostly shock.
I've also had a lot of positive reactions to these sides of me. I've had many guys tell me "that's hot!" when I tell them I'm a gamer chic, or that I LOVE to both play AND watch sports - minus golf and baseball on T.V. - yuck. Lots of Elders at that game were winking at me and seemed totally into me both at the MTC and on the mission. When I played co-ed volleyball at BYU, I got much of the same reactions with guys; heck, we'd even go run and weight lift together.
I always smile and look bashful when they tell me such things, and sure enough, they invite me over to play Halo or COD or watch a game. But the strange thing has always been, these guys never make a move on me when we play or watch, nor do they pursue me to date. At one point I even bought a shirt (n yeah I still own it) that says "Girls are no substitute for a PlayStation" because it was like I was just one of the guys when we played. So it's hot, but it's like, buddy hot? Hot to watch me, or just the idea is hot? I have yet to have a relationship with a guy based off of these common interests, and it's a phenomenon that I'm hoping I'll get some comments on to help me understand a guy's psyche with. If something a girl does is hot, or you tell me I'm hot, I'm gonna think you're into me in the way that guys and girls are naturally into each other. Yet, no results??
I don't think I'll always be this way. Even nowadays I don't play much multiplayer on Xbox, and I'm sure once I become a mother and want to nest and such that I'll try my hand at more girly things. I will always like sports and I'm bound and determined to marry a guy I can sit and watch a game with - just be plain competitive with period!! I don't think I could be in a relationship that didn't have that element to it, and making up after "fighting" about a game? Yeah!! I also hope whatever I do, my hubby will definitely dub it "hot", rather than "not". <3
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Fulfillment
Sunday Sunday Sunday! (Homestar Runner anyone?) As I tried to force myself to go back to sleep after my body woke me up at 6:30, I found myself randomly reflecting about fulfillment. I'd been in and out of sleep most of the night from weird dreams and nightmares, but since I can't remember any of them, I don't know if this reflection was spawned from them or not. My thoughts drifted to the night before when I had gone on a spontaneous road trip to Saint George with some friends of mine. Our phones were tucked away for the most part and the music was low enough to talk at a regular volume level. The conversations that took place on this road trip made me realize how much I had missed having really good conversations with people. The type that do more than scratch the surface and ask the regular polite questions that happen in everyday conversations. The type that are intellectual, spiritual, thought provoking, stirring, deep - fulfilling.
I know that may sound strange, but lately there is rarely a singles event I go to that most people are toying with their phones on Facebook or texting or Pinteresting or what have you, more than mixing and mingling with others. And even if they rip themselves from virtual reality to re-engage in conversation, I've been feeling lately that the conversations lack substance and sustenance. I think this is in part because it takes their brain and eyes awhile to recover and transition from being numbed or enveloped in information on a screen to face to face conversation, and it shows when I engage in conversations day to day. There's got to be some sort of social research project out there to support this statistically...
As far as my career goes, I am engaged in conversation with my students 8 hours a day. 1-2 hours are added when I collaborate with my colleagues about teaching methods, curriculum, and political backhands to our funding, etc etc. I have found the latter to be the more fulfilling part conversationally, and the first more fulfilling within my heart. Not that I expect talking with 13-18 year olds to be a real treat or anything, but it makes me appreciative of colleagues who are professionals in their field and can fulfill that intellectual need I have.
But it isn't just through my colleagues that I want this need to be fulfilled. Through this road trip I was able to befriend a really funny kid with whom I was able to have an intellectual conversation with about such "nerdy" topics as Hilter and communism and their Arian supremacy to McCarthyism and blacklisting within the radio and classic film generations. Not that I haven't thought this before, but it was reaffirmed to me that an important quality and factor to a happy and fulfilling marriage to me will be marrying someone with whom I can have those type of intellectual conversations with. It's not just button down shirts and tie with rolled up sleeves that gets me goin' people.
While I'm on that topic, if there is anyone I hope to get the most fulfillment from, in every area possible, it's my spouse. I know that you all are probably like "duh", and that some of your minds probably went to the gutter (tsk tsk), but I really do insist on marrying a man who is my best friend. I want him to be a spiritual advisor for both me and my children and someone who I can have good deep spiritual discussions with - essentially bear my soul to. I want him to be educated enough that we can talk about topics A-Z on our walks together, road trips, camping, whatever and whenever. I want him to be competitive like me so we can kick each others trashes in things. I want to be able to talk to them about anything or everything with the knowledge that A.) they won't judge me. B.) they will really listen - even if men are very visual and we have to repeat things a hundred times to them before they get it or will do something about it...or so I'm told. =D C.) they won't be one sided conversations or just all about them. D.)learn something from it or them. e.) be a better person for doing so, and E.), perhaps most importantly, I'll feel an increase of love from them and for them afterwards.
...Am I being totally unrealstic here?
Even more important that intellectual fulfillment for me is spiritual fulfillment. Something I've been struggling with lately and trying to better within myself is staying engaged and focused in Church. Now, sitting through three straight hours of Church is difficult for anyone no matter the age or consequence, but it seems that ever since technology from iPads to cell phones has been introduced, it's become 10x's more difficult, no matter which class OR ward I attend, who the teacher or presenter is (unless they are my absolute favorite apostles or the prophet speaking =D), or how much I participate in the lesson with questions and answers, to feel complete spiritual fulfillment. I don't even know if it's fair of me to have that expectation...it's not that I don't feel the Spirit strongly, or that I'm not learning, but sometimes the conversations in the classes are very...what's the word I want...shallow? I emphasize that it's what is said, NOT the people, I label this with. I don't know if we are all just answering questions out of feeling bad for the teacher when the room is quiet, are just trying to stay awake, what we're going to have for lunch/dinner just won't leave our mind, or if we're all actually Facebooking or looking up scores on their ESPN app instead of using the Gospel Library/Scripure app to follow along while someone else reads out loud, but there have been many-a-time where I've thought that being covered in paper cuts and having lemon juice and salt poured over them would be better than sitting through three hours of it.
Of course, as soon as I thought this, I felt guilty and immediately began repenting, but then I had another thought: (you see how my thoughts get me in trouble?) I wonder if they do it for the same reason I do: I'm not engaged, so I pull out my phone and engage myself. Sometimes I'll go on the Mormon Channel app or read the whole lesson if I was a slacker and didn't before class or pull up an Ensign article or do the very same two things that were aforementioned (and yes, I do repent for that too.)
Now, all of that aside, it is such a comfort and joy to know that I DO find absolute fulfillment in one very special place: the temple. I can't describe to you how it feels to leave such a holy place "armed with power thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them" (Doctrine and Covenenats 109: 22). Being able to ponder and pray and learn is a joy that cannot be found anywhere else, and that will only be made better one day when I can attend with my husband and present and future family. ANNNNDDD, there are many parts of Church that I find completely satisfactory. Something I use to despise with every fiber of my being was when a teacher would put us in groups! Now I love it! I could be a little biased with this because I am a teacher and love differentiated groups, but I digress. I find that when the teacher breaks us up into small groups and gives us a task that's better than "read this and then discuss it together", the conversation is almost always enlightening, uplifting, thought-provoking, and most importantly - teaches me by the Spirit. Despite this, I'm grateful for the Spirit that is present during those three hours no matter how engaging it is, and I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is perfect - it's the imperfect people like me that I pray the Lord will continue to help as I seek this fulfillment.
Outside of Church, I've been blessed with having some really good spiritual conversations with friends, recent converts especially. I've been going to the gym with my "granddaughter" from my mission (on a mission, "experienced" missionaries who've been in the field for what can be very little time (2-3 months) to almost finished with their mission, will train new missionaries and are called "trainers". I trained the Sister who trained the girl I speak of. Small world right? As we were gasping for air on the elliptical, she related to me an abridged version of her conversion story, and then I was able to briefly tell her my parent's conversion stories as well. Not only did I leave the gym that day feeling fulfilled from the physical exertion and endorphins, but spiritually fed from our talk. Yesterday also provided a great spiritual conversation while we, two of my friends being recent converts, discussed our thoughts over people's reactions and our experience explaining to others the baptisms we do for others in the temple, and there was some relating of the two recent converts experience in learning about the gospel. I find that I'm not as fully satisfied or happy as a member of the Church without having recent converts as a part of my day to day life. What inspirational and strong people they are!
My mind wandered back further to the night before last night when I was having a conversation with some of my girlfriends about, what else, boys :), and the pattern or marrying later in the Church. My two friends I had this talk with are a couple years younger than me, and most of my girlfriends are about their same age, unmarried as well. This talk of lack of marriage happened to tie in with our conversation as we drove through the Virgin River Gorge, though it focused on the exact opposite of our plight. The scenery brought up talk of polygamist colonies nearby, and jokes about how the one guy friend we had brought along certainly fit the bill being surrounded by us four women. We discussed the nature of polygamy and polyandry within and outside of the RLDS church. Of all the things that were spoken of during these two conversations, something one of my friends said struck me as deeply profound. She said something along the lines of: "I think Heavenly Father makes a way for all women to be happy and be taken care of until they get married or even if they never get married." What she said may seem like common sense to many, but I think what really struck me was the absolute truthfulness of what she said. I can testify to what she said on a personal level. I'm 29 and not married (*gasp of horror from the audience*), but the Lord has provided me with a professional career that provides all the necessary things I need, a wonderful family and group of friends, the gospel, etc etc etc. This made me ponder upon the other things in life that fulfill me, and led to a generating of this list in additional to fulfilling conversations:
***Disclaimer: These lists are incomplete, off the top of my head type thing and in no particular order!
*What I'm doing right now =D (Writing)
*Reading (the good stuff - no crappy Twi-high stuff)
*Socializin'
*Learning - self development n growth n all of that
*Being physically active, especially in outdoorsy stuff (bike ridin' yesterday a.m. was dabomb.com KLove!)
*Living the gospel
*Chocolate - yup, I have no shame.
*Competitions - 'specially pwning people in sports and games of all kinds
*Travel!
*Productivity on any level
It also made me think of what things aren't fulfilling:
*Crafts - Scrapbooking, making things with any type of material, etc etc. I stink at them, and they just frustrate me. Maybe it will just be zapped into me when I get married, but I'm pretty sure my husband is going to have be sugar-daddy enough to hire an interior decorator for me.
*Game nights - after 11 years of 'em, they become a bane more than a boon.
*Wasting time - I go insane with boredom and haaaattteeeee feeling sluggish
All of that being said, there are things that have yet to happen that I look forward to being fulfilled. I know being a wife and mother will be another challenging and joyful chapter to my story, that I will continue to blossom in my career, and meet many more wonderful people that bring me fulfillment. I know that I will probably not find full and complete fulfillment until well into the eternities. But I am thankful for those days that I do have that feeling, and to those who provide it for me. My hope for everyone is that there isn't a day that goes by where they don't feel some sort of fulfillment somehow - after all, "Happiness is the design of our existence." Amen, Brother Joseph, Amen.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Gym Time
As I sat/stood on my spin bike today trying not to think about the burning in my legs, lungs, and buns and more so on trying to breathe, I found myself looking about at the other people in the class. It occured to me that most of them were in great shape. My instructor kept yelling "Faster!!" but I ignored her since my resistance was already turned all the way up to a 10, and looked out the windowed room to the other people lifting weights and such in the main gym. Why would people who were already in shape WILLINGLY submit themselves to this pain and affliction AND pay for it?? Why were they there? One look at me and it makes sense why I'm there, but them? As we were instructed to sit and pedal fast at a six for fourty seconds, I began pondering on motivations. For me, the gym is a good motivator because as a fat kid because I see those kinds of skinny people as my motivation. I also don't want to waste my money, so I go pretty faithfully because I am that cheap. I want it to really equal out being a dollar a day for $30ish dollars a month. As we began doing jumps, it hit me that maybe these people weren't really in shape at all! That just because on the outside they appeared to be thin and in good shape, maybe their bodies were God given, and that they had to work just as hard as I did to be in good health and shape. I looked more closely at some of the people and saw quite a few looking in a worse condition then I was. I realized that just as many people had looked, and probably still do, look at me and think "Fat kid, can't do squat" (no pun intended), I had been looking at them wrongly too. Yeah, I still hate them for their natural body luck nonetheless.
Although I didn't want to think about what they thought about me, I started thinking about my life pre-gym. Before this faithful gym attendance, I'd always actively participated in sports, starting with ballet all the way to its opposite, rugby. I've always enjoyed hiking and biking and all that outdoorsy type of activity. I've always tended to surprise people with my athleticism. I remember in what I think was my freshmen year, or at some point in high school, we had some kind of contest involving a 4x4 around the track. I remember I was the last person to run the last 100 meters. I took that baton from my last teammate and proceeded to SMOKE the rest of the skinny fast kids. What I remember most was the shocked looks and dropped jaws as I crossed that finish line. I'm sure they were all thinking, how did she just move all of THAT body mass that fast? I also remember beating my teammates up and down the court so many times that it shocked even my coach. I still remember to this day her eyes getting really big as I sprinted with her down the court for a fast break lay up while everyone else walked and gulped for air. She smiled a HUGE smile and said, "Wow Emma, I'm so impressed!" Yeah, I'm Scottish and Filipino folks. Stamina + fast little people genes. Shouldn't shock anybody :)
Anyway, I digress. For fat kids like me, it made sense in my head to originally think them ridiculous and maybe shallow, motivated by people checking them out n such - you know those types. Turning the gym into a bloody meat market. As the spin lady announced we ONLY had four more songs left, I came to a new conclusion. When I've reached my "happy place" and permanently kicked my fat kid to the curb, you will find me nowhere NEAR a gym. I'm looking forward to staying in shape through my love of sports and outdoors and leaving the gym pressure behind. This sister will not be anywhere near a gym, nor paying monthly to be around a whole bunch of sweaty people. I wish them all the best of luck in their happy places too. And I hope that all of us never judge anyone's athetliticsm by their "book cover" of their bodies, too. Happy workin' it!
Although I didn't want to think about what they thought about me, I started thinking about my life pre-gym. Before this faithful gym attendance, I'd always actively participated in sports, starting with ballet all the way to its opposite, rugby. I've always enjoyed hiking and biking and all that outdoorsy type of activity. I've always tended to surprise people with my athleticism. I remember in what I think was my freshmen year, or at some point in high school, we had some kind of contest involving a 4x4 around the track. I remember I was the last person to run the last 100 meters. I took that baton from my last teammate and proceeded to SMOKE the rest of the skinny fast kids. What I remember most was the shocked looks and dropped jaws as I crossed that finish line. I'm sure they were all thinking, how did she just move all of THAT body mass that fast? I also remember beating my teammates up and down the court so many times that it shocked even my coach. I still remember to this day her eyes getting really big as I sprinted with her down the court for a fast break lay up while everyone else walked and gulped for air. She smiled a HUGE smile and said, "Wow Emma, I'm so impressed!" Yeah, I'm Scottish and Filipino folks. Stamina + fast little people genes. Shouldn't shock anybody :)
Anyway, I digress. For fat kids like me, it made sense in my head to originally think them ridiculous and maybe shallow, motivated by people checking them out n such - you know those types. Turning the gym into a bloody meat market. As the spin lady announced we ONLY had four more songs left, I came to a new conclusion. When I've reached my "happy place" and permanently kicked my fat kid to the curb, you will find me nowhere NEAR a gym. I'm looking forward to staying in shape through my love of sports and outdoors and leaving the gym pressure behind. This sister will not be anywhere near a gym, nor paying monthly to be around a whole bunch of sweaty people. I wish them all the best of luck in their happy places too. And I hope that all of us never judge anyone's athetliticsm by their "book cover" of their bodies, too. Happy workin' it!
Nearly 30
Ok ok, so I really just turned 29, but when you turn the lense of life to the "bigger picture" or even the "eternal perspective" focus, it really comes down to the fact that I'm nearly 30. I figured since I've stopped keeping a journal altogether since the beginning of basketball season, updating life on here would have to do, and I haven't really been in the writing mood since basketball either, so I'm taking advantage of both. Warning: This will be extremely random and full of sarcasm. And long. Brace yourself, and realize writing is my outlet for venting. (Really, don't take any of this too seriously.)
2012: Aside from planning and fantasizing about my Dirty Thirty party in Sin City, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to be able to say I've accomplished by the time I'm 30. There is a consistent radiant joy within my heart as a result of living the gospel of Jesus Christ, but there are still many things in my life that I am waiting for to happen, progress and learning that I want to have as a constant in my life. The first thing that comes to mind is my desire to spend this summer writing and getting serious about having one of my many books I've been writing since I was 13 published. It's going to be an insane amount of work and I've been mentally preparing myself for the rejections I'll probably face, but my goal is to hit up Barnes and Noble n buy the publishers book to get started. I remember being at BYU and going to go see numerous authors speak and thinking to myself, "How amazing would it be if I didn't have to go to work everyday, but just travel the world and write and roll in the dough?" I'm not trying to be a J.K. Rowling or anything great, but the authors I met were big time enough to live very comfortably.
I love teaching, but I've realized that writing for a living is my real dream. Realizing this at Nearly 30 is better than never.
Travel: Aside from publishing, I am hoping to travel to either China or Scotland. My bff is teaching English over in China so now would be the prime time to go while I know someone, but my sisters want to go back to Scotland. I feel I could do more good in service and missionary work in China with serving others, but Scotland also provides an opportunity for genealogy and study and writing. Tough choice, but either way it's going to be killer expensive, so the penny scraping has begun. I'd like to go somewhere new, but my heart longs for the country of my ancestors, God's country. And it helps that there are toilets over there instead of holes in the ground like in China, too. Or maybe I'll just go a-wall and go to Australia n marry some random guy with an accent. That would be very Dirty Thirty-ish.
Singles Ward: Nearly 30 didn't fully hit me until I realized with the exception of one that every single one of my college roommates is married with a baby, and nearly all of my mission companions fit the bill too. Being in singles wards with your dating options being 19, 21-23 year olds, 25-28ish yr olds not wanting to commit/addicted to porn, and 30+ with kids has also been a unique situation to be in for me. If you aren't a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints like me, it's hard to understand why this is so strange and why it makes me accutely aware of my age, but regardless or religion, people are getting married later and later. For Mormons, we view this "phenomenon" as part of the devil's plan to destroy families and prevent children with the opportunity to come to this Earth, for "men are, that they might have joy" and partake in the plan of happiness. People always say to me, "Oh, it'll happen when you least expect it" or "when you're not looking for it." When you're a single Mormon girl of my age, that simply isn't an option. You're always hoping for it. And even when I have my "I LOATHE MEN ENTIRELY" rages, or haven't been looking for it, it's always hanging there like an ominous cloud - there's a part of your heart that will never be fulfilled any other way. In the meantime, I carry a resilient faith in the Lord's love and timing.
Changes: My career has thrown my for a loop this year - and made me hop through 1,000 other loops. I wanted a challenge when I left my old job for a new one at Chaparral HS in Las Vegas, but I don't think any of us could anticipate the tremendous weight that would be placed upon our shoulders and the seeming axe at our necks. The fact that my students are stupendous and that the people I work for and with are phenomenal has helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. The latest shock came when I found out I will be changing my entire schedule and classroom in a little less than 2 weeks right smack in the middle of the semester, enter into new training for completely different classes, and take my first graduate class. Just when I had my kids under my thumb and getting in the groove, too. I've always said I don't like menotomy, but this will be like nothing I've every faced before. I tell myself that the experience will help me grow in a way I wouldn't have had I stuck around St. George/Mesquite, and that it will look super impressive on a resume with only 4 years under my belt as a new/young teacher, then gulp and dive in head first. I don't think I know how to do it any other way.
Friends: I feel I am becoming anti-social in my old age. I've slowly been weeding out what I call "the one-siders". I don't know why, but people have always come to me - complete strangers even - for advice or to just talk to about life - I get it from my mother I think, the whole "great listener and counselor" label people have given me. I don't toot my own horn here and really emphasize that everything good about me I get from my angel mother - but I digress. Lately I'm discovering I have very little patience for these types of people. It's the farthest thing from what I want in my marriage, and for what meaningful family relationships I want to have with both my immediate and extended family, including my brothers and sisters in my Heavenly Father's family.
It took me stepping back and reflecting on these relationships to realize I was being used! That many of my so called friendships involved me standing silently by and listening to the other person tell me all about them and their lives and venting while I listened and supported and gave advice - and nothing beyond that. I realized that these people hardly knew me at all, nor took the time to find out or ask anything about me beyond, "So how are you? How was your day? Do you like anyone?" and those types of trivial questions. Long before this, I had realized that I had always been the one to keep up the contact/communication, and was thrown for a loop when people would get upset at me for not having heard from me for awhile. They hadn't realized I'd been the one doing all the work and that they hadn't taken the first initiative until I cut it off completely. But the new discovery was in addition to all of that, I had let a lot of people walk all over me and treat me badly because I have the "too nice" gene from my mother, the only real "fault" (heavy emphasis on the " ", I can attribute to her :)
Since then, I will admit I've been guilty of cutting off contact altogether with most of these people instead of manning up and telling them it's not ok, and realized I had even start to avoid people in general because of this, and being so busy with work, so another Nearly 30 goal is to seek to strike a good balance and put the nice card at the bottom of the deck for awhile. I think I'll be living into the eternities before I find out this whole balance thing with EVERYTHING. But I've started off right in 2012 with treasuring and holding fast to those who have proven to be my true friends, and am delighted to have found many new true friends in my excursions in Vegas. Let's hope I can keep improving.
Self: So much of what my focus was on in 2011 was me, myself, and I. I've been struggling with guilt for that and getting caught up in my appearance for some time now. My family and friends will tell me that it was BECAUSE I didn't take care of myself in the first place that I even got the skin cancer and worsened by stomach condition, but it's been hard for me to once again, find that balance. I'm grateful I got sick because it forced me to look at my health and change my lifestyle, but now I find the true battle is looking in the mirror and being happy with me and being comfortable in my own skin. Looking at other women, I realize that it's probably not realistic to think I can be there by the time I'm 30, and then when I get married, have kids, get old and wrinkly and saggy, etc, but I do want to focus on thinking more positively and not border-line obsessing about everything I eat and how much I do/don't work out. I have to remind myself it's not going to matter what I looked like when my body goes to the grave and starts to decay, but what I've done to help others. I feel my job and Church calling helps strike that balance I seek, but for 2012, I want to SLOWLY keep losing weight without obsessing about it, with my primary focus on serving others and losing myself in doing so.
I am also trying to focus on "self" parts of me I don't like. I've realized I don't let myself enjoy things as much as I should. I get too caught up in my adult responsibilities and following the law of everything to the letter. It's hard to be a good Mormon girl and find a way to let your hair down and have a good time without it involving the world's way of sex n alcohol or buckets of money. When people compliment me or tell me how in awe they are about my weight loss or different, I always shrug and toss it aside. I am really bad at giving myself credit or letting myself feel joy or pride because of my accomplishments. I know a lot of that is because of how I was raised, but I am determined to spend more time enjoying the good while it lasts, too. I am convinced it will make me a lot happier.
Well, it's nearly midnight and a morning run is looming, scriptures need reading, and prayers need saying. With all of this aside, what makes me most happy is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I am nothing without it and my Savior. No matter how many goals I set or what I want to have happen in my life, seeking to serve the Lord and do His will it what gives me peace, purpose, and joy in this life, and there is NOTHING I would take in exchange for that (including a really hot man, lots of $$$, and a smokin' bod...really!)
-Em
2012: Aside from planning and fantasizing about my Dirty Thirty party in Sin City, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to be able to say I've accomplished by the time I'm 30. There is a consistent radiant joy within my heart as a result of living the gospel of Jesus Christ, but there are still many things in my life that I am waiting for to happen, progress and learning that I want to have as a constant in my life. The first thing that comes to mind is my desire to spend this summer writing and getting serious about having one of my many books I've been writing since I was 13 published. It's going to be an insane amount of work and I've been mentally preparing myself for the rejections I'll probably face, but my goal is to hit up Barnes and Noble n buy the publishers book to get started. I remember being at BYU and going to go see numerous authors speak and thinking to myself, "How amazing would it be if I didn't have to go to work everyday, but just travel the world and write and roll in the dough?" I'm not trying to be a J.K. Rowling or anything great, but the authors I met were big time enough to live very comfortably.
I love teaching, but I've realized that writing for a living is my real dream. Realizing this at Nearly 30 is better than never.
Travel: Aside from publishing, I am hoping to travel to either China or Scotland. My bff is teaching English over in China so now would be the prime time to go while I know someone, but my sisters want to go back to Scotland. I feel I could do more good in service and missionary work in China with serving others, but Scotland also provides an opportunity for genealogy and study and writing. Tough choice, but either way it's going to be killer expensive, so the penny scraping has begun. I'd like to go somewhere new, but my heart longs for the country of my ancestors, God's country. And it helps that there are toilets over there instead of holes in the ground like in China, too. Or maybe I'll just go a-wall and go to Australia n marry some random guy with an accent. That would be very Dirty Thirty-ish.
Singles Ward: Nearly 30 didn't fully hit me until I realized with the exception of one that every single one of my college roommates is married with a baby, and nearly all of my mission companions fit the bill too. Being in singles wards with your dating options being 19, 21-23 year olds, 25-28ish yr olds not wanting to commit/addicted to porn, and 30+ with kids has also been a unique situation to be in for me. If you aren't a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints like me, it's hard to understand why this is so strange and why it makes me accutely aware of my age, but regardless or religion, people are getting married later and later. For Mormons, we view this "phenomenon" as part of the devil's plan to destroy families and prevent children with the opportunity to come to this Earth, for "men are, that they might have joy" and partake in the plan of happiness. People always say to me, "Oh, it'll happen when you least expect it" or "when you're not looking for it." When you're a single Mormon girl of my age, that simply isn't an option. You're always hoping for it. And even when I have my "I LOATHE MEN ENTIRELY" rages, or haven't been looking for it, it's always hanging there like an ominous cloud - there's a part of your heart that will never be fulfilled any other way. In the meantime, I carry a resilient faith in the Lord's love and timing.
Changes: My career has thrown my for a loop this year - and made me hop through 1,000 other loops. I wanted a challenge when I left my old job for a new one at Chaparral HS in Las Vegas, but I don't think any of us could anticipate the tremendous weight that would be placed upon our shoulders and the seeming axe at our necks. The fact that my students are stupendous and that the people I work for and with are phenomenal has helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. The latest shock came when I found out I will be changing my entire schedule and classroom in a little less than 2 weeks right smack in the middle of the semester, enter into new training for completely different classes, and take my first graduate class. Just when I had my kids under my thumb and getting in the groove, too. I've always said I don't like menotomy, but this will be like nothing I've every faced before. I tell myself that the experience will help me grow in a way I wouldn't have had I stuck around St. George/Mesquite, and that it will look super impressive on a resume with only 4 years under my belt as a new/young teacher, then gulp and dive in head first. I don't think I know how to do it any other way.
Friends: I feel I am becoming anti-social in my old age. I've slowly been weeding out what I call "the one-siders". I don't know why, but people have always come to me - complete strangers even - for advice or to just talk to about life - I get it from my mother I think, the whole "great listener and counselor" label people have given me. I don't toot my own horn here and really emphasize that everything good about me I get from my angel mother - but I digress. Lately I'm discovering I have very little patience for these types of people. It's the farthest thing from what I want in my marriage, and for what meaningful family relationships I want to have with both my immediate and extended family, including my brothers and sisters in my Heavenly Father's family.
It took me stepping back and reflecting on these relationships to realize I was being used! That many of my so called friendships involved me standing silently by and listening to the other person tell me all about them and their lives and venting while I listened and supported and gave advice - and nothing beyond that. I realized that these people hardly knew me at all, nor took the time to find out or ask anything about me beyond, "So how are you? How was your day? Do you like anyone?" and those types of trivial questions. Long before this, I had realized that I had always been the one to keep up the contact/communication, and was thrown for a loop when people would get upset at me for not having heard from me for awhile. They hadn't realized I'd been the one doing all the work and that they hadn't taken the first initiative until I cut it off completely. But the new discovery was in addition to all of that, I had let a lot of people walk all over me and treat me badly because I have the "too nice" gene from my mother, the only real "fault" (heavy emphasis on the " ", I can attribute to her :)
Since then, I will admit I've been guilty of cutting off contact altogether with most of these people instead of manning up and telling them it's not ok, and realized I had even start to avoid people in general because of this, and being so busy with work, so another Nearly 30 goal is to seek to strike a good balance and put the nice card at the bottom of the deck for awhile. I think I'll be living into the eternities before I find out this whole balance thing with EVERYTHING. But I've started off right in 2012 with treasuring and holding fast to those who have proven to be my true friends, and am delighted to have found many new true friends in my excursions in Vegas. Let's hope I can keep improving.
Self: So much of what my focus was on in 2011 was me, myself, and I. I've been struggling with guilt for that and getting caught up in my appearance for some time now. My family and friends will tell me that it was BECAUSE I didn't take care of myself in the first place that I even got the skin cancer and worsened by stomach condition, but it's been hard for me to once again, find that balance. I'm grateful I got sick because it forced me to look at my health and change my lifestyle, but now I find the true battle is looking in the mirror and being happy with me and being comfortable in my own skin. Looking at other women, I realize that it's probably not realistic to think I can be there by the time I'm 30, and then when I get married, have kids, get old and wrinkly and saggy, etc, but I do want to focus on thinking more positively and not border-line obsessing about everything I eat and how much I do/don't work out. I have to remind myself it's not going to matter what I looked like when my body goes to the grave and starts to decay, but what I've done to help others. I feel my job and Church calling helps strike that balance I seek, but for 2012, I want to SLOWLY keep losing weight without obsessing about it, with my primary focus on serving others and losing myself in doing so.
I am also trying to focus on "self" parts of me I don't like. I've realized I don't let myself enjoy things as much as I should. I get too caught up in my adult responsibilities and following the law of everything to the letter. It's hard to be a good Mormon girl and find a way to let your hair down and have a good time without it involving the world's way of sex n alcohol or buckets of money. When people compliment me or tell me how in awe they are about my weight loss or different, I always shrug and toss it aside. I am really bad at giving myself credit or letting myself feel joy or pride because of my accomplishments. I know a lot of that is because of how I was raised, but I am determined to spend more time enjoying the good while it lasts, too. I am convinced it will make me a lot happier.
Well, it's nearly midnight and a morning run is looming, scriptures need reading, and prayers need saying. With all of this aside, what makes me most happy is the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I am nothing without it and my Savior. No matter how many goals I set or what I want to have happen in my life, seeking to serve the Lord and do His will it what gives me peace, purpose, and joy in this life, and there is NOTHING I would take in exchange for that (including a really hot man, lots of $$$, and a smokin' bod...really!)
-Em
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